Estee's Book

A Letter To Death

2012-01-13T15:36:00.000-08:00

Dear Death,

Where are you? Aren't you coming for me? I'm just sitting here waiting for you. I know maybe this isn't the right time for you to show up but I don't know. I seem to notice you arrive when a person is at their happiest. Is that true? But it just doesn't seem to make sense. Why do you do this? So am I supposed to be happy to be able to see you? Is there a certain time when you'll come? I just want to be prepared for your arrival. I just hope you won't arrive at my home with my family present, because your appearance may scare them, sorry. Can we meet somewhere quiet and alone? But how am I supposed to know if you'll show up? No one ever knows. Maybe not even you. Do you do it just because you were ordered to? Or do you just show up when you feel like it?

Bottom line, if you don't come for me, I'll find you. I sure hope it's easy. So I'm going to start my journey to search for you. You better not hide from me. Even if you do, I'm sure I'll find you eventually. Be aware because the next person you see is not from your visit to them, it's from them visiting you. See you later.

Sincerely,
A Death Wisher

I Will Fight This Beast Within Me

2012-01-04T16:18:00.001-08:00

I thought every problem had a solution.
I'm wrong.
I seriously don't know how to solve my problem.
What is wrong with me?
I can't help myself. I really can't.
I don't know why this happens to me.
But I hate it, I seriously hate it!
This problem is eating me alive.
The pain is killing me.
It makes me want to just end it, once and for all!
I can't stop my tears from falling.
It feels as if my nerves have been punched.
My eyes, all swollen, all red, but the tears, kept falling, no matter how painful.
Can't stop it!
But then, why do I hide it from everyone?
No one knows what I'm feeling, I mean it, no one!
They don't know how much I'm suffering inside. They seriously don't!
I can't stop this pain, I can't!
I hate the feeling a lot, a lot, a lot!
I seriously want to just end this life, just end it.
I can't stop this bizarre thinking.
I'm trying so hard.
I just feel like grabbing a knife and stabbing myself,
or taking in a dozen sleeping pills,
I just can't think of anything else but suicide.
I'm trying to control it, I'm trying really hard.
I don't know how.
I can't control this beast inside of me.
It's taking over me!
I can't stop!

I need help! Who can help me? Who!?!?

"No one cares about me. I bet no one cares if I did kill myself."

"But what about the the things I have never done in life? What about the people that actually cares about me?"

"They'll get over it. Sure, they'll cry about it for a couple of days, but soon, they'll forget I ever existed."

"But, I'll miss them, a lot."

"They never cared about me. Besides, when I die, no memories stay, so I won't even remember them. They should be sad when I die. Because then they'll feel guilty about never caring about me."

"Even if they didn't care about me, I care about them. I can't just leave all of a sudden, it's wrong."

"So what if I stayed, I won't make a difference. They'll just think I'm an obstacle in the way. Didn't they always called me stupid and useless and that no one will ever love me? They'll be happy if I left."

"What about the future when I finally find someone who loves me? I don't want to leave without knowing what it feels like."

"What if I never experience that? What if no one will ever love me? Doesn't that mean I just wasted my whole life waiting for something that has never happened?"

"I know, but isn't love worth living for?"

"Love is stupid, there is no love in this world except for loving yourself. So I'll love myself, and stop this pain, right here, right now!"

"Get out of my head!!!"

I can't, I just can't leave like this.
I have a future.
Even though it's a blur,
It's still there.
I can't just let everything ahead of me disappear.
I can't leave the people I love here.
I can't be this irresponsible and stupid.
I just have to fight it.
I just have to fight this beast in me.
I will win.
Because I'm me, it's me, no one can control who I am.
I will fight it.
I won't let it invite death.
I will fight it until death comes uninvited and takes me away naturally.

I Don't Ask For Much

2012-01-04T13:32:00.000-08:00

I don't ask for much,
All I want is someone...
The someone who will be with me,
Through the ups and downs,
Through the good and bad,
Through the hard and easy...
Who?
Who has the ears to listen to me when I'm depressed?
Who has the eyes to look at me and think I'm beautiful even if I'm not?
Who has the mouth to smile brightly at me no matter how hard the situation is?
Who has the heart to love me forever?

I don't ask for much,
All I want is someone...
The someone whom won't neglect me for whatever,
No matter how bad things get,
No matter how much pain is involved,
No matter how much I'm different...
Who?
Who has the shoulders for me to cry on?
Who has the hands to pull me up when I'm down?
Who has the arms to carry me when I drop?
Who has the mind to put a smile on my face no matter how terrible things are?

I don't ask for much...
Just a who...
Who has the patience to listen to my cries?
Who has the patience to try to understand me?
Who has the patience to be with me always?

I just ask for someone,
Someone who cares about me.
Someone who treats me special.
Someone who makes me happy.
Someone who makes me laugh no matter how hard it is.
Someone who loves me... for me.
That's all I ask for.

Being Different

2012-01-03T20:47:00.000-08:00

I constantly feel like I don't belong.
One by one they keep leaving.
Each time a cupful of tears.
Sure, I'm smart...
Sure, I'm independent...
Sure, I'm a lot of things...
But having these things isn't worth losing love.
As I slowly mature I start to lose faith in love.
Slowly the belief fades and soon, I'll feel nothing.
I guess I'm just different.
No one understands me,
No one knows me.
To them, I'm probably just some heartless cold creature that has no emotions.
No feelings,
No desires,
No love.
Just some human who stands out.
Just some indifferent creature under a human disguise.
Sure, it's good being different,
But being different just drags you away from the crowd,
Causing you to have no one but a friend called loneliness.
I admit... I am a creature that can't express my feelings,
I hide everything to myself and keep it in my heart,
These everything I hide, the pain and sufferings...
Will just slowly eat me alive until nothing's left but my soul crying for help.
The thing is, I do have feelings, feelings I can't express.
I do have desires, the desire for someone out there who knows me,
Who will be with me no matter what,
Who will love me no matter what.
But as soon as someone comes along, my individuality just seems to slowly shove them out of the picture.
Sure, there's a lot of people in my life, but not one could last till forever.
It's not what I want.
Guess it's involuntary.
Everyone seems to dislike me a day after another...
And soon, they're gone.
No one in my life seems to last long,
Soon, just outta nowhere, they'll leave without a goodbye.
No matter how hard I try, I can't change who I am.
Many says that being yourself is good.
Many says that people love you for who you.
These "many" are just the "common".
Because me being myself isn't getting much likes.
I guess that's just how it is... being different.

The Road Ahead

2011-10-31T09:57:00.000-07:00

The road ahead,
I see trees that are naked and flowers that have withered.
The road ahead,
I see a dried up stream and a disease-ridden pond.
The road ahead,
I see a dark, gray cloud and an invisible sun.
The road ahead,
I see a worn-out house and a small cemetery.
The road ahead,
I see a big fog, and not sure what's behind it.
The road ahead,
I see that it leads to a cliff that falls into nothingness.
The road ahead,
I see that it is nowhere to be seen now.
The road ahead,
I see that it is the road I'm going to take.

Case Closed (Cover & Description)

2011-08-19T23:10:00.000-07:00

click on the award to go to the Awards/Achievements post

Reporter Lisa Dawson has been strangely interested on the mysteries up in Daltons Lot, random screams and missing people. As she gets deeper into investigation, she comes face to face with a woman who was murdered 19 years ago. Does this woman have anything to do with the mysteries up in Daltons Lot? Will Lisa Dawson suddenly become missing and become part of the mystery?

Read Case Closed here
Read Case Closed on Figment

Case Closed

2011-08-19T23:03:00.000-07:00

click on the award to go to the Awards/Achievements post

Yes, another Figment contest, nothing new. Anyways, this contest is to write a horror story that takes place underground. So I just came up with a ghost story since that usually freaks me out. Remember this is only like my second time writing a horror story.

*****

April 21st, 2005

Local news reporter and her partner were filed as missing people. The Daltons Lot’s Case continues.

May 5th, 1986

Unidentified woman found in Dalton sewers appears to be murdered. Most parts of her body have been greatly abused leaving serious injuries. A barb wire has been found on victim’s neck, suspecting that she was strangled to death and was later disposed of in the sewers. Victims neck is somewhat sliced. The wound is found to be crooked and bloody. Although seriously injured by heavy abuse, the main reason for the death of victim is the major loss of blood. The murder weapon is the barb wire. Body is still unclaimed. The case is still being followed.

May 9th, 1989

The case remained unsolved. The woman remained unidentified. Case closed.

January 17th, 1992

Due to a malfunction in the sewer system, the mayor has decided to remove it from the city. The sewers were later demolished and a series of houses has been built above it. This new block is known as “Daltons Lot”, named after the sewers system.

April 10th, 2005

Screams have been heard in one of the houses on Daltons Lot. People have gone missing. The police have closed down the residents for further investigation. The whole blocks’ water, gas, and electricity have been shut down and there were no admittance allowed.

Lisa Dawson, reporter for the local news became interested in the Daltons Lot Case. Wanting to become a major reporter for “Great Morning America”, she believed that a piece on this case will get her well-known. Along with her partner, Michael Landau, they decided to go to Dalton’s Lot to find out more.

April 11th, 2005

Around midnight, Lisa and Michael sneaked into Daltons Lot along with a camera, and a couple of flashlights. They decided to spend a few nights there and hopefully find some clues.

April 14th, 2005

One evening, in one of the houses on Daltons Lot, Lisa and Michael heard screeching and scratching noises seem to be coming from the basement. Curious, they headed downstairs carrying a flashlight in their right hands. What they found was nothing out of the ordinary. White paint covered the walls, the floor was covered with dark, red wood, and the ceiling had a couple of cracks and leaks.

They were left unharmed that night.

April 16th, 2005

Michael has been missing in action since the night before. Lisa became a little worried. She decided to continue on the case alone despite any risks. She didn’t have any clue on the Daltons Lot’s Case except the scratchy noises coming from the basement. She decided to follow that clue. She went back to the basement of that very house that night.

She heard the noises again. She tried to follow it. It seems to be coming from the middle of the basement. Oddly, nothing was there. Lisa tried harder to find out where the noise was coming from. After a while, she noticed the sound was coming from below the basement. She was confused knowing nothing can be below than the basement. Out of curiosity, she decided to dig up the tiles. She looked around to find something to help her with this job. She found a hammer lying on the corner of an old desk. She ran to it and grabbed it. She listened again, found the correct location, and started smashing the floor with the hammer. She paused, realizing that the noises have changed. It wasn’t the scratching and screeching noise anymore, it was a woman sobbing. Lisa continued damaging the tiles but with greater strength and speed this time.

The tiles were broken and destructed. Lisa used the rear end of the hammer to pull the tiles off the ground. She listened again. It was still a woman groaning and crying. She threw the hammer away and used her hands. She pulled the tiles out one by one. She noticed that beneath the floor wasn’t the earthen ground, but a large, dark hole containing nothingness.

Suddenly, something started coming out of this endless black hole. It was a hand, a bloody, ripped, cuts-filled woman’s hand with chipped fingernails. Lisa started backing up from the hole and wanted to run for it, and then suddenly, someone appeared in front of her.

It was a woman, her face deformed, unable to be seen. She had long, crooked hair, her body covered in blood and dirt, her neck, sliced unevenly, and her bones all dislocated. Lisa smelled the terrible stench of the sewers. She backed up from this mysterious being, in deep fear. The appearance of this woman was terribly frightening and hideous. Lisa quivered with fear, her hands shaky, and her legs frozen. She didn’t know what to do or where to run to.

The woman approached her, one step after another. Lisa stood there in fear. She asked this woman where Michael was. The woman wanted to talk, but nothing escaped her mouth but a screeching noise. Suddenly in Lisa’s eyes, she saw a flashback of the woman’s life, the flashback of the day she was murdered. Going through her mind, Lisa saw a woman, a beautiful young woman. Her hair, long and black, her skin, as smooth as silk, and her face, it was the face of an angel. She was happy. Her smile was bright and her laugh was beautiful. A man, a tall man in black overalls grabbed her from behind, took her to the sewers, and ripped her clothes off. Her screams, so mind boggling, so scary. She resisted, the man became possessed. He started beating her and whipping her, her body being ripped, her bones being broken piece by piece. Her face, all damaged, her body, all broken. He grabbed a barb wire from behind, spun it around her thin neck and strangled her until her screams slowly droned away. Her neck was somewhat sliced, her wound, crooked, leaking blood. Her eyes, stayed wide open as she slowly died. The man, with no guilt, walked away and didn’t look back. The woman, innocent and pure, died a painful death, involved in a horrific homicide, will never forget it as long as her spirit is present for eternity. Her spirit remains that very spot. And will stay forever. She will get anyone who passes her way.

The flashback disappeared. Lisa once again saw the woman’s spirit right in her very eyes. Tears were in Lisa’s eyes, she shook her head, feeling pity for the poor woman. The spirit grabbed Lisa. Lisa screamed. She asked why, why would she kill her. The spirit’s wrath has gotten her to ignore everything Lisa was saying. She decided to kill Lisa the same way she has been killed. Lisa’s body was beaten and whipped by invisible forces. A barb wire appeared before her, wrapped her neck, and tightened, slicing her neck apart. Her screams were slowly drowning away, her eyes, like the spirit’s, stayed wide open till the moment she died. And there she lies, her body and face the same as the spirit's. The spirit returned to the black hole, her damaged body slowly disappearing into nothingness. The wooden tiles were replaced. Lisa’s body stayed on the spot, but slowly vanished into thin air. The basement returned to the way it was before.

April 21st, 2005

Local news reporter, Lisa Dawson and partner Michael Landau were filed as missing people. They were last seen by a local civilian who stated that he saw them sneak into Daltons Lot. However, they weren’t seen leaving the lot. The civilian wasn’t going to inform anyone, but out of concern, decided to speak up after hearing about their disappearances. The Daltons Lot’s Case continues.

January 3rd, 2009

All houses on Daltons Lot were demolished. The land was left untouched. The Daltons Lot’s Case remained unsolved. Due to the overtime of investigation, police has given up the search. Case closed.

*****

There. I actually creeped myself out with this, hope it creeped you out too. I hope you can comment below or on Figment about what you think of this and your reaction. Like was it scary enough? Was it too scary? What am I missing? Should I add or take away anything? Any reactions, please comment. Thanks.

Check this story out on Figment. Click here
Check out this story's cover and description. Click here

Who Knew?

2011-08-05T12:12:00.000-07:00

Yep, this is another contest entry, and no, I won't give up until I at least become a Semi-Finalist. You should like my perseverance. :) Anyways, this contest asks for us to write a 2000 word (or less) story or whatever about an exotic location me or my characters have traveled to. I can make this any genre and take this into any direction. So the whole theme is like a vacation or something.

Anyways, this short story I wrote is a cute, love story. It doesn't have much plot but reading it makes you happy. It also has a deep meaning to it, if you get it, good, if you don't, too bad. I know the place in this story isn't really "exotic" but maybe boring and stupid, but if you read the whole thing, you'll think it's the most special place ever... eh, maybe not, who cares. Anyways, read!

*****

Who knew this city could be so beautiful? I admit, at first, it was disappointing. I was dreaming of some place full of romance and adventures, somewhere exotic and different. Although this place wasn’t very special, it stores a lot of beautiful memories, and I know it’ll forever stay in my heart.

*

Every summer, I would dream for the perfect vacation with me and my boyfriend. We always talked about places where we can go together, like Hawaii or Europe, somewhere amazing. I always picture us under the palm trees on a sunny day, lying on the beach, my head on his chest, our little laughs and we’re just relaxing ourselves. Or us on top of the Eiffel tower looking out at Paris under the stars, a violinist playing behind us, his arms around my waist, and his kiss so passionately.

Unfortunately, all these fantasies never seem to have come true. Maybe it’s the fact that we’re both workaholics. We never seem to have time for ourselves. So I just spend my time picturing the happiness instead of living it. Since our six years of dating we never seem to have any real vacation together. Maybe just that one time up in Philly for a couple of days. But other than that, nothing. But I never bother him with it. I know how much trouble he already goes through during work. But sometimes, I really hope he can read my mind and know that I want to spend more time with him. Just with him, the two of us, and no one else.

Summer is arriving and unlike other people, I have no special excitement to it. Maybe because I already predicted that this summer is just like any other, work, work, and work.But sometimes I do wish there was some miracle, that both of us will get a vacation. This miracle somehow came true when he came home one day with a huge smile on his face. He claimed that his presentation was very successful. To reward him, his boss gave him a month off this summer. After hearing that, I was so excited I didn’t know how to react. But then I started worrying, how am I going to get my month off?

Well, everything worked out great! I just told my boss I wanted a vacation, and he just allowed it. Too easy? Maybe, but hey, whatever! He said I deserved it since I never really took any days off the past recent summers. Maybe now, one of my many fantasies can come true. On the drive home from work, I kept on thinking about where we can go, tons of places have been ruminating in my head. I couldn’t make up my mind. Should it be Amsterdam, Paris, Rome, London, where? But maybe I should wait until I arrive home and discuss it with him.

Once I got home, he said he already had a place in mind. I was so curious to know what he was thinking about. He told me that he hasn’t seen his sister in years and that he really misses her. He decided we go visit her this summer up in San Francisco. He said he already called her and she said we can stay in her place during our visit. He asked me if I was excited. I just gave a simple nod along with a forced smile. I really thought he had something special in mind, just for the two of us, but it looks like it’s not. Well, guess I’ll just have to go with it. It may not be Paris or Hawaii but it’s somewhere. So that was it, we took a plane to Cali.

We arrived shortly and our first destination, his sister’s apartment. It was nothing out of the ordinary, except for the view from the living room window which faces the city of San Francisco which I thought was pretty cool. He could somehow see that I was a little down on the fact that we’re spending our summer here in Cali, so he tried to cheer me up. That night he took me to Fisherman’s Wharf, it was actually very pretty. We walked on the pier, holding hands, the cold sea breeze brushed against our cheeks. He told me the history of San Francisco. I could tell he did a lot of research and tried to make me feel happy. And I was. Walking along with him was actually nice. We stopped facing the waters. He kissed me and wrapped his arms around me. Maybe this is no Paris, but everything was just as beautiful.

I saw that he had everything planned out, he read away our itinerary. I was glad knowing he gave this vacation a lot of thought. He took me to some popular tourist places like Alcatraz, the Golden Gate Bridge, Lombard Street, and Chinatown. We rode the trolley, walked the gardens, and visited the nearby cities. In every place he took me to, we left a happy memory. I was actually enjoying this vacation so far.

One evening, he took me to a French restaurant. We had a candlelight dinner and amazing food. He told me he knew I wanted to go to Paris or somewhere like that. He apologized for it, and said that maybe eating at this place would make me want to forgive him. I couldn’t help but just smile. Of course I forgive him. We drank some red wine and everything, once again, was just beautiful.

On the following day, he took me to one of the most popular beaches in the city. Knowing it was a public beach I didn’t expect a lot. But after arriving, I was wrong. The beach was clean and the scene was amazing. I saw couples strolling alongside the waves, little kids building sandcastles, young people surfing and swimming, and joy of all different kinds. He smiled at me and said that he knew I wanted to go to Hawaii, but he hoped that this beach can change my mind about it. And it did, maybe there are no palm trees or hula dancing, but there’s still the nice, white sand, and the peaceful waves. My other fantasy has come true, maybe a little different, but still, amazing.

Days passed quickly. Maybe it’s true, that when you’re happy, time passes faster. But I really hope time can freeze at the moment we’re together. I know this vacation is about to end soon, I’m sad just thinking about it. And speaking about it, the last day has arrived. I knew it was coming sooner or later, but I’d really rather it shows up later.

We ate breakfast at his sister’s apartment. She has been really kind the past few weeks. She asked us where we have traveled to the past few days. I mumbled a bunch of places to her. She asked if we ever went to Half Moon Bay. We shook our heads. She recommended us to go, stating that it was very peaceful and nice. At first I really thought it was just a bay. But when we arrived, it was actually a small town up in San Mateo. And she was right. It was very peaceful and nice. I actually enjoyed it. He and I walked past some stores which sold homemade stuff like jewelries and clothes. He stopped me and told me to wait for him while he went into a jewelry store. I sat on the small wooden bench in front of the store and waited for him. I wondered what was going on. He came out and told me to continue walking. I had no idea what was going on, and why was he acting so weird? After a while we left Half Moon Bay.

Since it was the last day of our vacation, I decided that we should head back to his sister’s apartment and start packing. He agreed. I fell asleep in his car, and woke up thinking we have arrived back at his sister’s place. My first thought was that this vacation was officially over. I was wrong. I looked out the window and didn’t see his sister’s apartment. I saw the Golden Gate Bridge in front of me and next to it, a beautiful sunset. I asked him why we stopped there. At first he didn’t answer me, but just told me to go out and watch the sunset. He got out first, walked ahead, and stood by the rail, his face towards the sunset. I followed behind him and stood next to him. He put his arm over my shoulder and kissed my cheek. I smiled. I asked him again what we were doing here. And that was the moment, the moment I will remember forever.

He turned to face me, his eyes looking into mine, his body heading downwards, his hand reaching into his pockets, his right knee touching the ground… He pulled out a small box, continued looking straight into my eyes, opened the box and said, “Will you marry me?” The box contained a diamond ring which I later found out that he bought at Half Moon Bay. I was stunned and in daze. I stood there, tears slowly started dropping, my smile as big as ever, speechless, I just nodded. He smiled, stood right up, and slid the ring onto my finger. He leaned forward and kissed me passionately. Our lips touched and the feeling of happiness came rushing to me. He lifted me up and spun me around. I laughed. It was… the most beautiful.

*

So we were on the plane on our way home. I will actually miss it there. Like the song, I left my heart in San Francisco. I know it’s not Hawaii nor is it Paris or what others define as a perfect vacation, but it’s just as amazing. I learned that no matter where you are, everything will be just as beautiful with the person you love next to you. As long as they are with you, it doesn’t matter where you are, whether you’re in Paris or China or Alaska, it just doesn’t matter. I also know this won’t be the last vacation, because there’s going to be our honeymoon. Maybe a little later though. I’m not rushing it nor worrying too much about it. Anyways, my boyf- I mean my fiancé and I will get married soon. We will also miss this pretty little city where our memories lie.

*****

So, there. I decided to choose San Francisco because I know lots of people don't really treat it as a vacation spot, so I thought it would be unique to use it. And I, personally love this city. Spent a 3-week vacation there before and loved it so much! So yea, and I've been to all those places mentioned there, so I didn't really make up the details of places like the beach or Half Moon Bay. :) And I know this story may be a little boring, but the whole point of it is to tell the readers that it doesn't matter where you go for vacation, what matters is "who" is going with you. So yea. Hope you liked it.

And, I really don't know what to name this story. So I just named it "Who Knew?" Because really, who knew that San Francisco can be so romantic? :) And it's also the first words in this whole story, so everything kinda matches. Anyways, really hope you like it and I really hope the judges like it.

What's Love? (A Gay Love Story)

2011-07-19T22:10:00.000-07:00

This short story was entered into an LGBTQ contest. And if you don't know what those words stand for, it's lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer/questioning. So I don't know much about homosexuals but I thought I gave it a shot. Just for the record, I'm not against this at all and I believe a person shouldn't be judged for who they are. Unfortunately, I didn't win or even became close, probably because I didn't read the contest rules correctly, oh well. I actually thought this is a cute story so hope you like it. :)

For those of you who are against people like this, shouldn't read it because you might feel disgusted or offended somehow. So I don't recommend it to everyone.

This story shows that a person should be free to love whoever they want and shouldn't be afraid of how people see them. There's no right or wrong in love, it's the emotions behind it that matters.

*****

Born into a complicated world, with no one to care for him, Joe was often depressed. He lived his life in the city slums along with the other homeless and poor, never in contact with society, never had an education, and always in search to feed his hunger. However, he managed to carry on his life. As gaunt and pallid as he was, no one dares to go near him, afraid of diseases or harm. Every day, the goal for him never changed, has always been survival.

Joe never understood what love is, however, he sees it every day. While in search of food, he would see a man and woman or a girl and boy walking down the streets holding hands, exchanging words of comfort. He doesn't understand why people do that, but he sees happiness in their eyes. He started to believe that love is the thing that brings joy, and not survival. Occasionally, he would sit at Hope Street and watch couples strolling by the street lights. He would admire them. He wanted to know the feeling of being in love, with a friend, with a family, or with someone special.

Joe knew that would never be. He knew his own status and knew that no one would love him. He knew that he can only sit and admire from afar. He has now placed love over survival. He thought that love was the key to survival. Every day now, he would go back to Hope Street and watch the lovers pass. He would smile but cry, knowing that will never be him. Days passed, Joe learned more, he saw people coming together and becoming apart. He would smile when two people got together, but he would cry when two people got separated. Love was a very complicated thing to him. He tried his best to understand it.

On one stormy day, Joe was about to give up admiring the people at Hope Street, however, he changed his mind. He went back to the street and stood there, disappointed to see no one. As rain was soaking him, he sneezed and shivered, catching a cold. He sat at the side of a jewelry store, Bijou. He pulled his wrecked shirt up to his head to protect himself from the cold. He started crying. He doesn’t understand the meaning of life. He suffered through so much and got nothing in return. He believes he deserves love.

That moment, the rain stopped and the sun slowly came out. A man walked out from Bijou. He saw a young, thin boy crying at the side of his store. He walked up to him. Joe noticed someone standing in front of him. He came out from under his shirt and looked up with his wet, swollen eyes. He saw a tall man with a kind smile. This man was wearing a nicely ironed black suit with a sparkling red tie along with Italian loafers. Joe didn’t know what to do. The man grabbed Joe’s arms and helped him back to his feet. He escorted Joe into Bijou. Joe just followed him with his face to the ground. The man handed Joe a towel.

“Here, dry yourself.” The tall man said in a considerate tone.

Joe did as he said.

“Well, would you care for a cup of hot coffee?”

Joe had a scared look on his face.

“Don’t worry. I won’t hurt you.” The man laughed.

“Um, I don’t have money,” Joe mumbled.

“Don’t worry, cost free.” The man smiled, and then walked inside.

Joe looked around the store observing the beautiful jewelries and sparkling crystals behind the glass cases. He admired each little sparkle and glitter thinking that he was in heaven.

The man walked out with two cups of coffee in his hand. He handed Joe a cup.

Joe took the cup and held it tight. He absorbed the heat with the palms of his hand. Not knowing what coffee tastes like, Joe slowly took a sip out of the cup. Enjoying the first taste, Joe quickly gulped the rest down. The hot, bitter coffee traveled down his throat into his stomach. He felt a sudden warmth and comfort.

“By the way, my name’s Henry Falcone. You may call me Henry if you’d like. What’s your name?” He sipped from his coffee.

“Joe.” Joe mumbled again.

“So how old are you, Joe? You seem very young to be wandering on the streets.”

“Twenty-four”

“Oh my, so where are your parents?”

“They left me when I was young,” Joe continued mumbling.

“Sorry to hear, so, how about you come over to my place tonight? We can have dinner together.”

Joe knew the world was cold and cruel. He was confused at Henry’s kindness. “Why are you nice to me?”

“Honestly…” Henry paused. “You remind me of myself. Ten years ago I was like you, begging on the streets. Guess I just got lucky. A nice man, Leo, helped me and treated me as a brother. He passed two years ago of tuberculosis. He had no family and I was the person closest to him. I loved him. He owned this store. When he passed, he gave it to me. So here I am. I want to help you the same way he helped me. “

“Love?” Joe asked since he was always curious about the meaning of love.

“Yes, we loved each other, we were very happy together. I was heartbroken when he left.” Henry shook his head.

“Sorry.” Joe mumbled. The ‘loved’ and ‘happy’ Henry said made Joe felt special warmth and a sense of security.

“Don’t worry about it. I know what you’ve been through. So how ‘bout it, dinner tonight?”

Joe nodded happily.

Henry brought Joe home that night. Joe doesn’t believe what’s happening to him. He felt happy for the first time ever. Henry brought Joe to his house only a few blocks from Bijou. Joe didn’t say anything on the way. Knowing Joe was shy and timid, Henry filled in the silence by talking more about himself and Leo. They stopped in front of a grey, bricked house. Joe was amazed by both the appearance and size of the house. They entered through a large, white door. Two children ran up and greeted Henry hugging him.

“Kids, this is Joe.” Henry introduced.

Joe nodded diffidently.

“These are mine and Leo’s kids. We adopted them a few years ago.”

Joe was always wondering if Henry and Leo were more than just brothers. He was now sure that they were. He was confused because he thought that two people have to be a male and a female to be together. He was curious to ask but was afraid to.

Dinner was served. Joe couldn’t believe everything happening to him. He saw the food filled table and couldn’t wait to try all those food he had never eaten before. Everyone sat around the big table. The children and Henry started talking and chewing. Joe started eating. While enjoying the delicious food, his attention was still on Leo and Henry. He wanted to ask Henry desperately but didn’t know where to start. Henry noticed Joe was busy thinking about something.

“Joe? Is there a problem?”

“Um…” Joe hesitated. “What is love?”

“Well, it depends on how you see it. Love can be in many forms. Like a mother loving her child, a brother loving a brother, a friend loving a friend, or a man loving his wife. It means you really like the person and you really want to spend the rest of your life with them.”

“Can wife be woman or man?”

“Well, um…” Henry felt awkward answering the question. “A wife is a woman. But there can be a man loving a man, only for certain people. But a man can’t be a wife.”

“Why not?”

“Well, two men can’t get married. Therefore, they can’t be a wife, or a husband.”

“What about you and Leo? Didn’t you two get married?”

“Well, um, Leo and I are different from other people. The city doesn’t accept two men getting married. And we’re fine that way, as long as we’re happy, it doesn’t matter if we’re married or not.”

Joe didn’t ask any more questions staying satisfied with the answers he got. Nobody said a word throughout the rest of the dinner. After dinner, Henry asked Joe to start living at his house. He added that he thinks of Joe as family now. Joe didn’t know what to say. Henry and Joe both knew it wasn’t an option. Henry decided to hire Joe to work at Bijou, and hopefully, Joe will earn enough money for himself.

Days passed. Henry and Joe’s relationship was getting better. Joe has never felt so happy. He felt loved by Henry and his children. He felt like he has a real family and a real life. He learned more and understood more as days passed. Joe knows Henry treats him as a brother, however deep inside, Joe felt that Henry loves him as something more. But he wasn’t sure. He also believed that he have started to develop feelings for Henry.

On their day off, Henry took Joe to travel around the city. Joe has noticed himself to be really happy whenever he spends time with Henry. He knew he loves Henry as more than a brother and as more than a friend now. Henry seems to have already known. Joe wasn’t sure if he was born as a homosexual or that this was just sudden. But he didn’t want to find out since he’s happy the way he is. It did go through his mind about how people would see him or how people would judge him. But it also went through his mind that he has survived all these years as a city drifter with all stern and judgmental looks, and that this is not any different. The only difference is that he will be happy and proud of whom he is.

As they continued their day off, Joe wanted to confess to Henry. However, his timid personality held him back. While walking down Hope Street together side by side, Henry took the first step. He held Joe’s hand and smiled at him. Joe didn’t pull away but smiled back. His heart soared and he was the happiest. People at the crowded street were staring with discriminating eyes as they walk pass. They ignored everyone and walked as if they were the only two present. They felt comfortable and safe. They held on to each other’s hands without letting go for a single second and continued walking.

*****

So there, I was supposed to write about how a person dealt with the problem, not how he got into it. Anyways, hope you liked it. Just for the record, this is the first time I wrote a gay story so it's probably sorta stupid, sorry about that. I just wrote this for the contest, no specific reasons. Anyways, don't judge me just because I wrote this story. I write about almost everything.

Destiny, Stop Playing Me

2011-07-15T22:59:00.000-07:00

This was just a random thing I felt the urge to put together. If you're asking if this is real, like is it all true and not made up?... I've got nothing to say. :) Anyways, enjoy. It's pretty confusing, I guess. But if you try to absorb it deeply, you can probably feel the emotion behind it... I mean, I felt it. Well, maybe it is real... to me maybe... But I wrote this like a few months ago so all the emotion is kinda gone, at least now, so no worries, I'm fine. :) Just wanna share it because it's pretty good writing, whether it was real or not.

You can feel like the narrator and felt like you are probably the one "in love" with the guy. That's kinda the whole point. (this is just a typical teenage girl writing so it's pretty ordinary)

*****

Memories came flashing in since last night, that dream. That dream was not my imagination but what happened in reality. It was the first time we ever spent real time together. My parents just had a fight, my mom kicked my dad out of the house. I remember tears kept pouring out of my eyes, and you were there. Well, not literally. I said I wanted a break and escape all of this. And you asked me to go out. I was down, but you made me laugh, you were so different then. And I just fell for you. So easy.

I remembered all this was just destiny playing us. Living next to each other for thirteen years and finally meeting in high school and becoming best friends, the whole thing was just unbelievable. I really thought you were the one. You were nice to me, you were not shallow, you made me laugh, and much more. But all that was just wrong. Sure you gave me laughter and smiles, but you also gave me sadness and tears. I remember telling you how I felt, I was wrong to do so. I've been considering it for days whether to tell you. I took the courage and did, but you broke my heart revealing the devil side of you. You left me dead inside. And that was the end of you and me.

Time passed, when will my wound heal? The whole year, I've been ignoring you. I've noticed your stares sometimes, and you noticed mine, but we won't talk. I've been constantly thinking about you, however, finally for a year and a half later, you were completely out of my mind. I felt so relieved and stress free.

I remember calling you accidentally once, you picked up, my heart was speeding and I was scared. I hung up immediately. Maybe you were still there in my heart but I was just lying to myself. I remember constantly going through my contacts and seeing your name, always don't have the courage to delete it. However, last month, I remember seeing your name, a little hesitant but yet, I managed to delete your number right there at L&L waiting for my takeout. I smiled knowing that was a big step.

But destiny, oh destiny, why? Why give me that dream last night? Why let me remember him? Stupid flashbacks, memories came pouring back into my mind. All the things he have caused me, oh man, why? Why can't I forget about him? Maybe because he's the only guy I've ever been closest to. I seldom go out, maybe I'm just naive. I'm sure in his heart, I'm just a girl who was once his friend but not anymore. I do regret ever telling him, maybe I could've just liked him and never said anything about it. But won't that be worse? I guess I kinda ruined our friendship, but because of my childish confession, I saw who he really was.

Well, guess there's nothing else to say. I guess he's always gonna be in my heart no matter what, guess I just have to live with it. I guess that's life, remembering someone who have made you happy yet harmed you. I'm still curious, am I still a part of his life? Does he still think about me? Was I just some stupid girl who had a crush on him? Well, guess I'll never know because I'll never have the courage to even say a "hi" to him anymore. Destiny, stop playing me.

I Miss Being A Kid

2011-07-15T21:56:00.000-07:00

I miss being a kid,
A time of pure innocence.
Not knowing the meaning of this cold, cruel world.
Making friends was easier,
Them not judging you by your race, gender, or size.
Just playing together and having fun.
Little kids love, cute little crushes,
Tiny kisses on the cheek.
Laughter, happiness, smiles,
No worries, no stress, just life.
A little tear here and there, for little reasons.
Sighs.
Memories, flashbacks, altogether,
If only I could go back.

Flower Trees On A Dark Day

2011-07-07T22:48:00.000-07:00

Water Park

2011-07-07T22:11:00.000-07:00

Washington D.C.
2010 <3
From "Summer Road Trip"

Contrast In Flowers #2

2011-07-07T21:03:00.000-07:00

Initials on the Sand

2011-07-07T20:54:00.000-07:00

The Bridge - A Man-Made Beauty

2011-07-06T18:55:00.000-07:00

The Perfect Daughter

2011-07-06T14:30:00.000-07:00

I entered this play into the Billy Elliot playwright contest, unfortunately, I didn't win or anything. I wrote this in three days so it's probably bad. But still gonna post it! :D The topic of the contest is to write a play about a person's dream coming true. This play is a touching story about a dad and his daughter and you know...

There is only one act and eight scenes in the whole play. It's short, I know. Was the contest rules, no choice really...
Anyways, hope you like it! :D

To read it, click here
To view the cast list, time, and place, click here

To read it in e-book form, along with dedications and author's background, click here

TPD: Cast List, Place, & Time

2011-07-06T14:20:00.000-07:00

Cast List

YOUNGER CRYSTAL COLLERAN

6 years old

OLDER FATHER/YOUNGER FATHER

31/41 years old, father of Crystal, widowed

OLDER CRYSTAL COLLERAN

16 years old, student

BRITNEY

17 years old, a cheerleader

DR. JOHN RICHARDS

49 years old, doctor for the Collerans

Place

New York City

Time

Early Spring

*****

To be continued: TPD: Act I, Scene I

TPD: Act I, Scene I

2011-07-06T14:10:00.000-07:00

ACT I
Scene I

Setting: Takes place at the Colleran’s house in the living room. There is a red couch and a patterned carpet in front of it.

At Rise: Younger Crystal is sitting next to her father listening to the fairytale her father is reading to her. They are both sitting on the carpet.

FATHER
(reading from a storybook)
Then they lived happily ever after.
(closes book then looks up)
Okay sweetie, it’s bedtime. Go to sleep now.
(pat YOUNGER CRYSTAL on the head)

YOUNGER CRYSTAL
Mommy, did you and daddy lived happily ever after?

FATHER
Sweetie… your father went to a faraway place. And yes, we did live happily together.

YOUNGER CRYSTAL
Okay.

FATHER
So go to sleep now, I’ll read you another story tomorrow.

YOUNGER CRYSTAL
Okay, thanks mommy, good night. I love you.
(hugs MOTHER)

FATHER
(hugs CRYSTAL and kisses her)
Night, sweetie.

YOUNGER CRYSTAL
(waves to FATHER)

(Exit CRYSTAL, right)

FATHER
(sighs)

CURTAIN

*****

To be continued: TPD: Act I, Scene II

TPD: Act I, Scene II

2011-07-06T14:00:00.000-07:00

ACT I
Scene II

Setting: Takes place in Crystal’s bedroom. There is a twin sized bed with pink sheets and a bedside table with a princess lamp on it.

At Rise: Crystal is lying wide awake on the bed with her hands folded. She is looking at the ceiling.

YOUNGER CRYSTAL
I wish… that even without a mommy, daddy and me can still live happily ever after, just like in that story. I want my daddy to smile and be happy again. This is all I want.
(closes eyes)

CURTAIN

*****

To be continued: TPD: Act I, Scene III

TPD: Act I, Scene III

2011-07-06T13:50:00.000-07:00

ACT I
Scene III

Setting: Takes place ten years later at the Colleran’s house in the living room. There is a navy blue couch with rectangular coffee table in front of it. There is also a wooden rocking chair next to the couch. There is a set of keys lying on the coffee table.

At Rise: Father is sitting on the rocking chair reading a book.

(Enter OLDER CRYSTAL, left)

OLDER CRYSTAL
Hey, I’m going to a friend’s party tonight.

FATHER
(looks up from book)
Why, I have never heard you mention it?

OLDER CRYSTAL
Come on, it’s just a party.

FATHER
Okay, no problem, but when will you be back?

OLDER CRYSTAL
(pauses for a second)
I don’t know… but it doesn’t matter.

FATHER
Just be back home by midnight.

OLDER CRYSTAL
(puts hands on hips)
Dad, don’t try to control my life.

FATHER
(closes book and places it on coffee table)
Honey, I am not controlling your life and I am not trying to. I know you want your freedom. But it’s normal for a father to worry about his kids.

OLDER CRYSTAL
Okay, chill, no need for the lecture. And it’s only a party, that is really normal in a teenager’s life.

FATHER
I know honey, and besides, whose party is it?

OLDER CRYSTAL
Britney’s.

FATHER
That cheerleader with her navel pierced?

OLDER CRYSTAL
How am I supposed to know if her navel is pierced? But she is a cheerleader.

FATHER
I don’t think you should go to that party. That girl is no good.

OLDER CRYSTAL
(rolls eyes)
Dad, she only invited the cool people. She’s a senior and she’s talking to me! She can make me a somebody and my dream of becoming an actress can finally come true.

FATHER
Honey, being somebody isn’t everything. You should focus more on practical matters.

CRYSTAL
It is practical. Look, if I can be a somebody, I can perform on Broadway, then Hollywood, then become an international star! I can be rich and famous and take care of you.

FATHER
I’m happy that you care about me in your future, but I also care that you should have a good career in the future.

OLDER CRYSTAL
Don’t say ya care about me, ‘cause ya don’t. If ya do you would want this for me. Ya know what? I don’t even need your approval, I am old enough to make my own decisions!
(grabs keys from coffee table then run off)

(Exit CRYSTAL, left)

CURTAIN

*****

To be continued: TPD: Act I, Scene IV

TPD: Act I, Scene IV

2011-07-06T13:40:00.000-07:00

ACT I
Scene IV

Setting: At Britney’s house at the living room. There is garbage all over the floors.

At Rise: Crystal and Britney is standing in the middle of the room, talking.

OLDER CRYSTAL
Brit, thanks again for inviting me to this party. It was such a surprise.

BRITNEY
No prob… Hey, you wanna stay over tonight? I really like you and I think you’re gonna be a great add to the squad.

OLDER CRYSTAL
OMG, really? That’s awesome… but my dad, she’s-

BRITNEY
Look, if you wanna be like me, dads are not part of the deal.

OLDER CRYSTAL
Okay…
(cell phone rings, picks up phone)
Hello?
(listens to the phone)
Oh, hi doc, what’s up?
(continues listening)
What?!?!?!

BRITNEY
(looks annoyed with hands on hips)

OLDER CRYSTAL
(continues listening)
Um, okay, yea, I’ll be right there.
(closes cell phone)

BRITNEY
So?

OLDER CRYSTAL
Sorry Brit, but can we do this another time? That was Dr. Richards, he said someone found my dad lying unconscious on the sidewalk a few blocks from our house. He is now in the hospital and I have to go see him.

BRITNEY
Who cares about your father? Don’t you care about your future?

OLDER CRYSTAL
Hey! I care about my father. He is the most important thing to me.

BRITNEY
If he was, you wouldn’t be here in the first place. Whatever, just know that a somebody is successful because there are no family members to drag them down. And none of them would lose a chance like this for their father.

OLDER CRYSTAL
My dad was right. I should focus on something more practical.

BRITNEY
Yea, he’s totally gotcha brainwashed.

OLDER CRYSTAL
(puts hands on BRITNEY’S shoulders)
You know, you should do something practical, too. I feel so bad for you. Good luck in the future when your career doesn’t work out, you’re going to end up a homeless old hag on the street begging fathers for spare change.

BRITNEY
Get your daddy-loving hands off of me!
(push OLDER CRYSTAL’S hands off)
I don’t even have to help you, it’s your loss, and you’re going to regret it! Now… Get out of my house!
(points left using index finger)

(Exit CRYSTAL, right)

CURTAIN

*****

To be continued: TPD: Act I, Scene V

TPD: Act I, Scene V

2011-07-06T13:30:00.000-07:00

ACT I

Scene V

Setting: Takes place in the hospital room. There is a bed covered with white sheets. There is a folding chair next to the bed.

At Rise: Father is lying unconscious on the bed.

(Enter OLDER CRYSTAL, left)

(Enter DR. RICHARDS, left)

OLDER CRYSTAL
(cries)
Dad!
(runs up to FATHER and grab her hands, looks at DOCTOR)
Doctor, what happened to my mom?

DR. RICHARDS
Your father is found to have diabetes

OLDER CRYSTAL
How? He has always been really healthy.

DR. RICHARDS
It’s inherited traits.

OLDER CRYSTAL
Will he be okay?

DR. RICHARDS
I don’t know yet. But I think it’s better that you stay by his side in case something unpleasant happens.

OLDER CRYSTAL
(sniffles)
Okay, thanks doctor.

DR. RICHARDS
(pats CRYSTAL on shoulder to comfort her)

(Exit DR.RICHARDS, left)

CURTAIN

*****

To be continued: TPD: Act I, Scene VI

TPD: Act I, Scene VI

2011-07-06T13:20:00.001-07:00

ACT I
Scene VI

Setting: Takes place outside the hospital room in the hallway. There is a grey, wooden bench against the wall.

At Rise: Crystal is sitting on the bench sobbing.

YOUNGER CRYSTAL
(walks up to OLDER CRYSTAL and sits down next to her)
Hi.

OLDER CRYSTAL
(turns around and see YOUNGER CRYSTAL, gasps)
Who are you? You kinda look like-

YOUNGER CRYSTAL
You? Yea, I’m you from ten years ago.

OLDER CRYSTAL
Yeah right, what’d you do, time travel?

YOUNGER CRYSTAL
Sort of...

OLDER CRYSTAL
(stares at YOUNGER CRYSTAL)
Whatever you’re playing, I’m not in the mood for it.
(looks away and place hands over face)

YOUNGER CRYSTAL
You don’t have to believe me. But I am you from ten years ago.
(looks at OLDER CRYSTAL)
And don’t worry, dad will be fine.

OLDER CRYSTAL
(takes hands off of face and looks back at YOUNGER CRYSTAL)
He is not your dad, and how would you know?

YOUNGER CRYSTAL
Miracles tend to happen. And dreams tend to come true one day, right?

OLDER CRYSTAL
I don’t know, I have no dreams.

YOUNGER CRYSTAL
Yes you do.

OLDER CRYSTAL
Then what is it?

YOUNGER CRYSTAL
Well, you had one ten years ago. Do you remember it?

OLDER CRYSTAL
How can I remember something ten years ago?

YOUNGER CRYSTAL
Not if you pull it back to now and keep it in your mind…Ten years ago, you made a wish.

OLDER CRYSTAL
People make wishes every day, especially kids.

YOUNGER CRYSTAL
True, but you were special. In your lifetime you only made one wish, and that was ten years ago. This wish came from your heart and it was true. Unfortunately, it hasn’t been granted…yet.

OLDER CRYSTAL
Okay… So what are you saying?

YOUNGER CRYSTAL
“I wish that even without a mommy, daddy and me can still live happily ever after, just like in that story. I want my dad to smile and be happy again. This is all I want.”

OLDER CRYSTAL
(wonders)
Now that you said it, I kind of remember it.

YOUNGER CRYSTAL
Good, and that was your dream all along. It’s time for you to reach it and make it come true.

(Exit YOUNGER CRYSTAL, right)

(Enter DR. RICHARDS, left)

DR. RICHARDS
Your father is awake.

OLDER CRYSTAL
(looks up and smiles)

CURTAIN

*****

To be continued: TPD: Act I, Scene VII

TPD: Act I, Scene VII

2011-07-06T13:10:00.000-07:00

ACT I

Scene VII

Setting: Takes place back into the hospital room.

At Rise: Father is sitting up on the bed looking sickly pale.

(Enter OLDER CRYSTAL, left)

OLDER CRYSTAL
Dad!
(runs up to FATHER and hugs him)
You’re alright!

FATHER
Oh, sweetie
(hugs CRYSTAL)

OLDER CRYSTAL
(cries)
Dad, I’m really sorry, I’m sorry for disobeying you. I will be obedient from now on. And you were right, I should focus on my future. I’ll do that now. I just hope for nothing bad to happen to you again…
(looks at FATHER)
I love you.

FATHER
(smiles)
Honey, I was the one who’s wrong. I should let you do what you want to do. And of course, I forgive you. I love you too.

CURTAIN

*****

To be continued: TPD: Act I, Scene VIII

TPD: Act I, Scene VIII

2011-07-06T13:00:00.000-07:00

ACT I

Scene VIII

Setting: Takes place once again at the Colleran’s house in the living room.

At Rise: Younger Crystal is sitting on the rocking chair reading a book. While in the background, Older Crystal and her father is talking to each other and laughing.

YOUNGER CRYSTAL
Then they lived happily ever after.
(smiles, closes book, and places it on her lap)
I never get tired of that story.
(looks at audience)
So I became the perfect daughter for the perfect father. My dream finally came true. Although father is still very sick, he has been feeling better each and every day. After this incident, I learned that families are very important in your life. That no matter what happens, they are the ones who are by your side and they are the ones who still loves you. So future me and my dad lived happily…ever…after.

BLACKOUT

CURTAIN

YOUNGER CRYSTAL
Or at least I hope so.

THE END

*****

Well, that's it. Hope you like it! :) I know I only spent three days writing this and it's pretty rushed, but I did spend like four days thinking of the storyline... Anyways, act it out if you wanna, hehe. :D Thanks for reading!

Natural Bridge

2011-06-13T21:29:00.000-07:00

Virginia
2010 <3
From "Summer Road Trip"

Quotes

2011-05-26T20:53:00.000-07:00

My Quotes

"People usually don't get me... I live in reality, not fantasy. I'm not pessimistic nor am I optimistic, I'm just realistic. I accept reality and the challenges it gives me."

"90% of life sucks. We live it 100% for that 10% of happiness"

"Falling in love is one of the easiest thing to do... Getting over it is one of the hardest."

"I am still looking at the road in front of me... Currently, I see nothing. But as I continue traveling, I know something will soon come to view."

"Some may call me quiet, some may call me strange, but if you really know me... you don't."

"There can be a beast within a beauty,
There can be a beauty within a beast,
Don't judge by what's on the surface."

"Coffee is like life. Some finds it sweet, some finds it bitter, some finds it a little bit of both."

"Those that are ugly now, may be pretty in the future.
Those that are dorky now, may be successful in the future.
The thing is, people will change, so don't judge so quickly."

"I Love You: easily said, not easily shown"

"At times life may be hard, but try to appreciate every moment of it"

"The truth is harder to accept than the lie"

"Is it destiny or was it just a coincidence?"

"Instead of being one of the million, you're the one in a million"

"Devil gives you what you want, God gives you what you deserve"

"I'm afraid of dying only because I'll never be able to see you again."

"Reality... I hate you."

Quotes I Like

"To get the rainbow, you must tolerate the rain"
~Fortune Cookie :)

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you... You just gotta find the one worth fighting for."
~a Facebook status/unknown

"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional."
~a friend

"Friendship can grow into something more."
~my cuzzie <3

“Your lucky enough to be different, never change”
~Taylor Swift

"It's what on the inside that matters."
~unknown

"Skinny is not perfection"
~Facebook page

"The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference..."
~ Elie Wiesel

"See that pregnant teen over there? She was raped. See that guy doing his homework from last night? He convinced his friend out of suicide. See that man with the ugly scars? He fought for our country. See that guy who is sobbing? His mother is dying. See that show-off guy? He's standing up to bullies. See that fat woman? She has a health problem. Don't judge people. You don't know their life."
~Facebook page

"It doesn't make sense to let go of something you wanted for so long, but it also doesn't make sense to hold on when nothing's there..."
~ a Facebook status/unknown

"There's a reason your heart is on the left; it's not always right"
~ a Facebook Status/unknown

"Wishes change nothing. Decisions change everything."
~ unknown

“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so you can appreciate them when they’re right.
You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself. And sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”
~ Marilyn Monroe

“When I was a little girl I used to read fairy tales. In fairy tales you meet Prince Charming and he's everything you ever wanted. In fairy tales the bad guy is very easy to spot. The bad guy is always wearing a black cape so you always know who he is. Then you grow up and you realize that Prince Charming is not as easy to find as you thought. You realize the bad guy is not wearing a black cape and he's not easy to spot; he's really funny, and he makes you laugh, and he has perfect hair.”
~Taylor Swift

Suicide (Alternate Title: Before Death)

2011-04-14T16:58:00.000-07:00

I lay there in the darkness. I felt chills running past me every five seconds. Teardrops drop one after another. It was silent, nothing but drip drops heard. The room was gradually getting darker and darker. The only light seen was coming from the window with the shades down. I rested my head on the wall next to the window. I looked out, watching the sun as it slowly sets. Teardrops still running from my eyes. There was a blank stare at my face. I rested my chin on my knees as I continued to cry. I squeezed my chest to try to stop the agonizing pain coming from my heart. I sat there by the light, still, I kept thinking. I kept sobbing in a whisper, "I'm sorry..." and another one came out, "I'm sorry..." I said that over and over and over. "Please forgive me... I didn't mean to... I'm sorry," were the words that kept repeating from my lips. I was in daze. I watched as the sun sets until it disappeared behind the houses and trees. I looked around, nothing but pure darkness. Tears were still dropping from my eyes. My eyes were numb and exhausted, but the tears didn't stop. Each teardrop stayed on the wall, as I used my fingertip to wipe them away one by one. I lay there again wanting to escape the pain. I stared. Silence was the only thing heard. Nothing around me but darkness, coldness, and loneliness. All I felt was agony, sadness, and despair. A sudden force hit me. My crying stopped. I closed my eyes.....

Letting your own pain and own guilt eat you alive... That counts as suicide.

Check it out at Figment, click here

Winter Is Only Sorrow

2011-04-14T13:59:00.000-07:00

Spring, summer, and autumn...
...were not as painful as winter.
The time we were together, ended, at the moment of the last fall of snow.
I'll never forget the way you kissed me under the icicles of my roof.
No one was around, just me and you.
I liked the feeling when the fluffs of snow were falling one by one onto my skin, while your arms were wrapped around me and we were laughing.
I felt the warmth and joy.
The last moment when I still felt your hands touch my hair, when your lips touch my face, you left.
Only one set of footprints were left on the snow.
You were gone like the flowers of spring and the leaves of summer.
The flowers and the leaves will bloom once again someday, my prayers is that you would, too.
But you won't come back... you can't come back...
Every time during winter when I see snow fall, I see tears, too.
Memories will return and stay forevermore.
And the winter, I know now, is only sorrow.

Nature Is The Green

2011-04-14T13:38:00.000-07:00

No One Knows

2011-02-16T16:37:00.000-08:00

You don't know how much tears I've cried.
You don't know how many times I'm hurt.
You don't know how many times I wanted to leave this world.
You don't know.
No one does.

Awards/Achievements

2011-01-01T13:32:00.000-08:00

Click on the awards to check out the winning or selected piece.

Being An Angel

2010-10-20T09:23:00.000-07:00

Life, is it as hard as people think it is? What is so hard about it? All the challenges and hardships that people moan about can be gone in a snap of the finger. Why do people want to fly? There's nothing special about it. They'll just experience the wonder of dodging pigeon poop. Why do people think going to heaven is the best? All they'll do there is serve God and be his slave. Having wings to spread isn't that great. How are you supposed to wear clothes with those two fluffy things stuck on your back? Having a halo doesn't mean you're perfect. It's also annoying having it float above your head everywhere you go. You may wonder, how do I know all this? Well, it's because I'm an angel.

What is the meaning of this?
Well, I guess it's confusing. I just got bored and wrote this in class. It's just a little message saying that people should stop asking for things not knowing the consequences. The narrator said, "I'm an angel" meaning, "I've been there." Some people have a lot, but continually asks for more and up to the point they regret it completely. They should just appreciate what they have now and be happy. ("People don't know what they have until they lost it"; "Cherish the ones in front of you") Because in this world of over 6 billion people, I'm sure that there's someone out there in worst situations. So people should stop whining about how their life is terrible and just move on.

Why did I write this?
I am so tired of people around me telling me how their life sucks. It really gets me annoyed. They don't know how much I wish to have their life, they don't know how lucky they are to have their life. I really wish people like this can learn to appreciate what they have before they lose it. Even if I have an abusive mother who have hurt me for 16 years now, I'm still happy and proud of my life and who I am, because I appreciate that I have a caring dad, a caring sister, and a brain to look at things this way. Instead of saying that my life sucks, I should just say I'm seeing new things everyday. I get to experience more and learn more than others my age. I'm happy about that. Even though I know there are those out there in a better state than me, I also know that there's a lot out there who don't even have a bit of what I have. You see? Just appreciate what you have and stop complaining.

All I Want

2010-09-25T19:15:00.001-07:00

All I want is to see you smile,
It's brighter than anything else in the world.
All I want is to see you laugh,
It's greater than anything else in this life.
All I want is for you to be happy,
It's the only thing that matters.
All I want is for you to feel loved,
It's the thing that makes the Earth spin.

I don't care if I ever see you again.
I don't care if I have to sacrifice for you.
I just want you to be happy.
All I want is that.

(Dedicated to Cammy, hope that a miracle could happen that she can be happy again even without me by her side)

I'll Wait For You

2010-09-13T19:37:00.001-07:00

click on award to go to the Awards/Achievements post.

As days and days passed,
I knew that time wouldn't last,
for us to be together.

I see the way you smile,
I know it's going to be a while,
Until I can see it again.

There's an uneasy feeling in my heart,
I don't know where to start,
Without you I'm empty.

I constantly cry,
And always asks God why,
he separated us.

I hoped and gave a sigh ,
Wishing that time will fly,
So I can see you soon.

Please know that I'll wait for you,
Remember what we've been through.
Know that one day fate will bring us back together.

Happy Birthday Winnie!!!

2010-09-13T19:31:00.000-07:00

[Dedicated to Winnie on her birthday]

My dear little sister, I don't know how to start,
Why don't I say what is deep in my heart?
You cheer me up when I am down,
You will always be around.
You are cute and you are sweet,
Sweeter than a candy treat.
You make me smile and you make me laugh,
When I'm with you I'm always glad.
I'm grateful to have my wish come true,
For having a sister as great as you.
Now now now on your biggest day,
Let me just say Happy Birthday!

Regret: Chapter Three

2010-08-22T21:03:00.000-07:00

About an hour later, we saw a sign on the highway read: 'Camp Huntington, 5 miles'.
"Yep, we're almost there." Rick smiled.
I smiled back at him. I looked out the windshield and I saw nothing but pure darkness. The van's headlights was turned on to the highest power, but I could just see about three feet ahead of the road. Everything was silent. Then we saw a sign saying, "To Camp Huntington" and an arrow pointing at a narrow dirt road.
Rick turned to the road and drove through it. The road was unsmooth unlike the highway. We reached a tollbooth with a sign next to it, "Welcome to Camp Huntington" and in smaller words, "Open 24 Hours".
"We're here!" Rick screamed so everyone would wake up.
The woman in the booth asked, "How many?"
"Eight", Rick answered without hesitation.
"Site or cabin?" The woman asked.
"Cabin please," Rick answered.
"$240", The woman mumbled.
Then Rick paid the woman.
"Okay, so you drive up this road right there, " the woman pointed ahead, "Then turn left when you see the sign 'cabins' and just drive straight until you reach Cabin 145."
"Sure, no problem. Thank you very much", Rick said. Then we entered the creepy, dark woods.

Contrast In Flowers #1

2010-08-22T18:30:00.001-07:00

The Beauty Of The Sky

2010-08-21T23:22:00.000-07:00

Regret: Chapter Two

2010-08-21T19:59:00.000-07:00

Today was the day. I was all packed up and ready to go. All my friends were going. Rick brought his van since there were eight of us. There was of course Rick and me, along with Jesse, Alex, Tiffany, Jaime, Carl, and Macy. All of them were my friends, besides Alex and Macy. Alex was more of Rick's friend and Macy's was Alex's girlfriend, he won't leave her alone. But who knows, maybe after this trip, we'll be really good friends.

"So where are we going?" I asked curiously, hoping it would be somewhere that I would enjoy.
"We're going to Virginia, Camp Huntington." Jesse answered.
"Oh." I said disappointed.
But as long as Rick and my friends were by my side, anywhere would be fun.
"Virginia? What a waste of time!" Macy complained. "I knew I shouldn't have came!"
"C'mon honey, it'll be fun." Alex tried to convince her.
Macy climbed into the van.
"Luckily my girl's not like that. Or else I would've killed myself for a long time." Rick laughed.
"Shut up!" Alex yelled.
"Rick, don't be mean." I said as I climbed onto the van.
Alex nodded, "Yea, Rick!"
"Fine." Rick said in a low voice.
Everyone got onto the van, and Rick was the driver. I sat at the passenger's seat next to him.
"Damn, it's mad hot in here. Where's the AC?" Macy moaned.
"Ugh." Rick replied in a deadly voice.
I shook my head.

"It'll take about ten hours until we reach Virginia." Rick announced. "So everyone, just sit back, relax, and enjoy this long butt-numbing ride."
Everyone laughed.
"Alex? You got the GPS?" Rick asked.
"Um, yea, I asked Macy to bring it." Alex turned to look at Macy. "Honey?"
Macy looked up confused, "What? Huh?"
"Honey, the GPS, do you have it?" Alex asked in an angry voice.
"Yea, hold on." Macy looked around her backpack searching.
"So?" Rick got impatient.
"I don't know, I can't seem to find it." Macy shrieked nervously.
"What? You forgot it?" Alex asked.
"No, I brought it, I'm so sure." Macy continued looking.
"Look, if you forgot to bring it, just say so! No need to lie." Alex replied.
"No, I did bring it! Why won't you believe me?" Macy screamed.
"Well, because you are not dependable. Every time I tell you to do something, you end up messing up." Alex looked away furiously.
"Well, I did what you told me this time! It just somehow gone missing." Macy cried.
"Yea, whatever. Hear that man, it's not my fault." Alex said to Rick.
"It kinda is, I told you to bring the GPS, I didn't tell you to tell your girlfriend to bring it. You know she's so irresponsible and yet you asked her. You have some fault in this, Alex." Rick argued.
"Hey, hey, hey. I am not irresponsible." Macy defended herself.
"You are too irresponsible." Alex said.
"And Alex, the GPS was the most important thing for the trip!" Rick yelled.
"Well, maybe you should've brought it, not me!" Alex screamed.
"Stop! Guys, just stop! We can work things out. Just stop this fight!" I screamed.
Everyone paused a moment and we all looked around awkwardly at one another.
"Now, Rick?" I looked at him.
"You're right. Um, anyone got a map?" Rick asked.
"Oh, I do." Tiffany took out a map from her backpack and handed it to Rick.
"Oh, thank goodness. Tiffany, you're a life saver!" Rick exclaimed loudly.
"Thanks Tiff," I said in a low voice.
Tiffany gave a small smile and a simple nod.
"So now, can we go? And not just park here arguing like a bunch of idiots?" I asked seriously.
Rick nodded and he started the van.

As the van started going, no one said a word. I guess everyone was scared of the fight that just happened. It really wasn't anyone's fault. And now that we got a map, why is it such a big deal anymore? Along the way, we stopped a couple times at service areas, I tried to get a conversation going, but it wouldn't last. As the road trip continued, I fell asleep on the window and when I woke up, it was already night time. I looked and Rick was still driving.
"Hey, um, do you need help driving? You've been driving for hours now, and you need some rest." I asked in a considerate tone.
"Nah, I'm fine." He took a sip out of his coffee. "But thanks for caring." He looked at me and smiled.
"So, when are we arriving?" I asked as I sat up slowly rubbing my eyes.
"In about an hour more, we're gonna be at Camp Huntington." Rick answered.
"Well, don't you think it's a little much just to drive ten hours for some camp?" I asked.
"Well, I think it's worth it. And this is not about just some camp, I want to spend some time with you." He continued driving.
I smiled.

Regret: Chapter One

2010-08-19T18:39:00.000-07:00

It was the last day of school. The dismissal bell rang and everyone rushed out the classrooms like it was feeding time at the zoo. Of course I was even more excited, I was a senior meaning it's 'bye bye' high school for me, forever. And the best part is going to the same college as Rick.

"Hey! Mel!" I turned around.
Jesse pushed through the crowds and ran towards me.
"Hi, um, how was the weed wackin'?" I laughed.
"Great!" He said sarcastically. "Anyways, back to what I wanna say, you know about the senior field trip?" He asked.
"Of course, we're going to Japan. I've been waiting since the eighth grade. What about it?"
"Okay, um, this will be hard. Um, Rick and the boys were thinking about ditching it..." He waited for my reaction.
My mouth dropped open and my head burned with anger. "What?!?! How can he do this to me?" I asked furiously.
"Well, I'm not sure. But Rick asked me to ask you to think about it." Jesse said.
"Fine, but I'm having a serious talk with him about this."
"Okay..." He looked scared. "Have fun with that."

When I finished clearing out my locker, I went home and called Rick.
"Hello?" He picked up.
"Hi, Rick, it's me. Can we go somewhere and just talk?" I asked in a low voice.
"About what?" He asked in a concerned voice.
"We'll talk when we see, Dunkin' Donuts?" I asked.
"Um, okay." He said unsure.
"Okay, I'll see you there."
"Yea. Okay."
We hung up.

I arrived at Dunkin' Donuts and saw him standing there in the front waiting for me.
"Hey!" I yelled to him.
"Hey!" He hugged me.
He was about to walk in then I said, "Wait, Rick, we need to talk."
He looked scared. "Oh no, you're breaking up with me. Why?"
I looked confused. "What? No, how can you think that?"
"Well, you said 'we need to talk' and we all knows what that means."
"No, I meant talk about something else. Don't worry. I'm not going to break up with you." I laughed.
He sighed with relief. "Okay, what do you want to talk..." Then he paused. "Oh, this is about the trip, isn't it?" He looked as if everything is all clear to him now.
"Yes, I saw Jesse today. He said you wanted to ditch the trip."
"Look, I know you've been wanting to go to Japan since the eighth grade." He started backing up.
"Uh huh." I gave him a threatening face.
"But I think it'll be fun that we can go on our own trip. Just us, the guys, and you can bring your friends." He backed up another step.
"But... You know I've been waiting for this forever. I can't just give it up."
"I know, I'm sorry, but don't you want to spend time with our friends? Come on, it'll be cool and fun. There will be no rules, no chaperones, and we can do whatever we want."
"Well..." I can't believe he got me to consider this. "Okay." I surrendered.
He kissed my cheek, "That's my girl! And besides, we have plenty of time to go to Japan, like on our honeymoon."
"Who said I'll marry you?" I laughed.
"I did, and I can't take back what I said." He sneaked a kiss on my face and ran away.
I smiled. "Come on, I'm craving for a doughnut."
"Yes, your majesty." He bowed down.
Who knows, maybe this trip will be even better than Japan. Maybe it'll be the best trip I ever had.

(To be continued...)

Regret (Sneak Peek)

2010-08-19T18:33:00.000-07:00

I ran and ran screaming for help, but no one was around to help me. The environment surrounding me was nothing but the dark, creepy trees. There was a long railway in front of me. I see no cars. I ran and ran not wanting to look behind me. I didn't slow down instead I kept going faster and faster. I ran back to the van hoping it would work this time. I opened the door in a rush and jumped in. I was grasping for my breath. I tried my best to start the engine hoping it would magically work this time. But it won't. Everything was silent. Nothing can be heard except my heavy breathing. I hear something behind me, I took a breath...

REGRET
HORROR, THRILLER, SUSPENSE, MYSTERY, ACTION

This Life

2010-08-11T11:50:00.000-07:00

Every day, every single day, I feel the urge to run away.
The feeling of being unloved.
The feeling of being hated.
The feeling of being worthless and useless and everything bad.
I want it to vanish.
I want to wake up without this feeling.
I want to sleep without this feeling.
I want to live without this feeling.
All seems impossible, I feel as if it was fate.
Is it destiny to make me who I am? A worthless piece of trash!
I want to leave the world.
I want to leave the unhappiness.
I want to leave because I know I don't belong.
Now, I understand the meaning of R.I.P.
Now, I understand why some people want to R.I.P.
I feel as if I want to R.I.P.
Every thing I do, every thing I say, every thing having to do with me is WRONG!!!
Whatever, whatever, whatever, I will say to myself.
I try to not look at it, I try to not hear about it, I try to not feel it, I try to not think about it.
That will never happen.
The more I ignore, the more I hurt, the more I want to leave.
Maybe I should, maybe then, people will start to love me.
Maybe then, people will stop hating me.
Maybe then, people will miss me.
Maybe it'll only happen when I leave.
This life, this miserable life, I'm ready to say goodbye to you.

Reality

2010-06-15T12:51:00.001-07:00

Before I took this off, but some of my friends said it was good so I decided to put it back up =)

*****

Reality, is it the most painful thing to face?

"Why? Why didn't you tell me?"
"I didn't want you to worry. I'm sorry."
"Look, no matter how hard it is, we'll face it together."
"I don't want myself to be a burden, don't you get it? You've done too much for me. I can't let you do anymore."
"No, I want to do more, even if I'll have to give up my life for you."
"It's too late to do anything now."

Inside my heart, the pain was unbearable, it was hurt. I am not willing to give up this life. Everything we've been through, I just don't want to watch it go. Why? Why does it have to end this way? Love never lasts.

One Month Ago
"So Dr. Tan, how was my report? Did you find out why I have major headaches and short term memory losses?"
"Ms. Song, you'll have to brace yourself. We found a tumor in your brain. It's very serious. I think its better to let all your loved ones know now, before its too late."
"What? Can I be cured?"
"You can have brain surgery, but there's only a 20% chance that it'll be successful."
"Ok, I'll talk with him."
"Please be fast, the tumor is growing, soon, it'll be very life threatening."
"I know, thank you doctor."

I can not believe what I have heard. I don't know if I should tell him. Tears ran down my eyes. The pain in my heart. I walked home as I thought about how I should break the news to him.

"Hey, so how was it? Did you find out the reasons to your headaches?"
"Yeah, I'm just stressed out lately. A couple of days off will be fine."

I chickened out. I don't want him to feel bad for me.

"You sure you're fine?"
"Yeah, I'm sure, thanks for caring so much about me."
He gave me a kiss and the pain in my heart, I couldn't stop it.

Three Weeks Later

"Lily! Lily!... Wake up!"

At the Hospital
"Lily? Are you okay?"
"Where Am I?"
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"What?"
"Why didn't you tell me about the tumor? You could have gotten a surgery as soon as you find out."
"There's only a 20% chance that it'll be successful. What if its not successful? It'll be the last time I ever see you. I want to spend the most time I could with you."

He hugged me tight. I cried and so did he.

The Present
"So Dr. Tan, whats the chance now if she does the surgery?"
"There's only 10% chance now."
"What?"
"I'm sorry. But we'll try our best."

The Surgery
He grabbed hold of my hand. "You can do it, I know you can."
I nodded, I know I won't be able to pass this part in my life, but I just became optimistic . I smiled and showed no fear. He kissed me and the surgery started.

Hours Later
"Unstable, unstable!"
"Lily!"
I felt my breath losing.
"We're losing her!"
"No!"

A While Later
"I'm sorry, we tried our best. This is your last chance to say goodbye."
He cried, so did I, but no tears came out.
"Lily..."
"Hey, don't be sad, I'll be watching over you."
"Please don't leave me."
He grabbed hold of my hand, but then I started to lose feeling. I smiled...

Two Options

2010-06-15T09:56:00.000-07:00

Going through the ups and downs,
On this crazy roller coaster ride,
Always heartbroken, always blue.
I learned to see,
What life really is.
Happiness too little,
Sadness too much,
I want the opposite.

Going through the back and forths,
On this train of life,
Always worrying, always hurt.
I learned to know,
What life really is.
Suffering too much,
Laughter too little,
I want it to change.

Happiness to laughter,
Sadness to suffering,
Sadness beats happiness,
Suffering beats laughter,
Maybe it's time for that to change.
It depends on you.

Happy Father's Day!

2010-06-15T09:19:00.001-07:00

Well, Father's Day is coming soon. My sister and I wrote a poem for all the daddies in the world, and especially our dad.

My dad loves me and he helps me see,
the meaning of life and the meaning of free.
He cares a lot, and he loves a lot,
all we can say is that he's a god.
He's the best out of all the rest,
and no way, no way, he's not a pest.
My dad, I love him with all my heart,
and you'll know why, if you play my part.

"WE LOVE YOU DADDY!" <3

The Truth Is

2010-06-14T10:38:00.001-07:00

I may say I don't care.
The truth is, I do.

I may seem like I'm running away from something.
The truth is, I am.

I may act like I don't miss you.
The truth is, I do.

I may look like I'm smart.
The truth is, I'm not.

I may think I'm the only one alone.
The truth is, I'm not.

There is everybody, tens of thousands of people who feels the same way as I do.
The truth is, they don't want to tell.
For people may judge them. For people may laugh at them.
But those people, they just don't understand it.

Truly Sorry

2010-06-12T16:00:00.000-07:00

You did something wrong,
You say you were sorry.
And I forgave you,
Your heart's filled with glory.

You said something wrong,
You said you didn't mean to.
I accept your apology,
And you said thank you.

You told me a lie,
You asked for forgiveness.
I didn't forgive you.
You were filled with sadness.

You asked me why,
I said that you lied.
You said I always forgive you,
why not this time?
I didn't say anything, I think you know why,
You're not truly sorry, inside of your mind.

The Nightmare

2010-05-16T09:15:00.000-07:00

This morning while sleeping, I had the weirdest and one of my scariest dreams. I know that dreams are supposed to mean something, but I had no idea what this one meant. Last night, when I was about to fall asleep, a dream started and it already got bad or scary. I woke myself up immediately not wanting any dreams. Then near the morning, this dream started and it was pretty good so I just went with it, I just didn't know the end would be like that. I know it's weird that I can wake myself up. I can only do it if I'm not deeply or fully asleep. So here's the dream. Just know that I tried to change the order and the way things happen to help it make sense.

*****

My family and I were driving down the road at the countryside. My grandma and aunt tagged along with some other people that I don't know. They were taking another car. Then we made a rest stop. Everybody left the car but me. Then I kind of fell asleep in the back of the car. When I woke up, I realized that my aunt was driving the car and no one else was in it. "Where's everyone?" I asked, confused, wondering if it's all a dream. "Your dad told me to drive you to the new house first," she answered. I had a weird feeling. First of all, my aunt doesn't drive and secondly, my dad will not have said that. And last, what new house? I thought we were on vacation...

I sat in the car scared and hoping this could all be normal soon. Then after a while, we arrived at the quiet block with no sounds and no people and no cars. The houses are next to one another and they look really similar. My aunt parked the car in front of a light colored house. There was still a 'For Sale' sign nailed to the porch. There was also a phone number, but then, that was it. My aunt took out the key and opened the door. If my dad did buy the house and we're moving in, why is the sign still up? I entered the house and it looked pretty normal. It kind of reminded me of the apartment I lived in, in Minnesota.

Then I lied down on the sofa-bed in the living room and tried to call my dad. At first, I dialed the wrong number, so I tried again. This time I made sure I dialed the correct number, then suddenly, new numbers appeared on the screen once I pressed talk. I thought that something was just wrong with my phone. I asked my aunt to use her phone, and she told me she was out of minutes. I guess I'll just have to wait until my dad arrives with the rest of the people, then maybe things will turn out better.

Later on, I saw a printer at the desk by the television. I hooked it up to my digital camera and thought, since I had nothing to do, I might as well print out the photos from my camera. After a while all the photos were printed. I looked through it and I found some photos that I never really saw before. It looked like a party filled with teenagers but I can see that the house behind the party, was this one! I could swear that I never saw this house in my life, not alone take a photo of it. I examined the photo closer.

Then after examining all the photos, I felt a chill of sudden air blow through my back. I looked up and my aunt was not there anymore. I screamed her name but no reply. Then everything around me turned to black and white. I was suddenly in another place. My eyes, they turned colorblind. I see that I was at the backyard of the house, but how did I get there? Then I saw the party, the exact party in my photos. I saw teenagers making out and dancing like crazy and getting drunk. Then suddenly, I saw each and every one of them getting killed. The whole place was flooded with bodies and blood. The killer left the scene. I was so scared, my whole body turned to rigid. Then suddenly, I was in the house again standing by the window. I looked out, there were police and people surrounding the area. The bodies were all gone, but the blood were still there. Soon, everyone left, all there is were a bunch of blood on the ground all dried up.

The color came back and everything was back to the way it was before. I looked around the house for my aunt. I walked past the television set then saw a reflection. A reflection that I was pretty sure was not mine. I didn't dare to look but I did anyways. It was a girl, my age. She was blond and covered with blood. She looked at me with the face of anger. I screamed. I recognize she was one of the girls at the party.

*****

So I believe the scariest part of the dream was the massacre and the girl in the TV. Now I have that image in my head and every time I think of it, I freeze up and goosebumps appear on my skin. I am still scared of it. I just don't understand the meaning of this dream/nightmare.

Stupidity (Two Examples)

2010-05-05T17:12:00.000-07:00

(Not a poem, I just felt like writing it)

He likes her.
She likes him.
They both like each other.
Neither one knows.
Time passes...
He started to lose feelings for her.
She started to lose feelings for him.
Some time later.
"I used to like you"
"I used to like you"
WHAT?
Thanks for telling me now...
Too bad.
That was stupid.
Stupidity... It lives in us.

He likes her.
She likes him.
He chases her.
She chases him.
That happened for a long time now.
"I like you."
"I like you."
REALLY?!?!
They are finally together, yay!
A short time later...
"I don't like you anymore."
"I don't like you anymore."
Too bad.
They break up.
That was stupid.
Stupidity... It lives in us.

What I Miss

2010-05-05T16:57:00.000-07:00

What I miss are your eyes
What I miss is the way you look at me
What I miss are your lips
What I miss is the way you kissed me
What I miss is your face
What I miss is the way you love me
What I miss are your hands
What I miss is the way you touched me
What I miss is your smile
What I miss is the way you smiled at me
What I miss is your laugh
What I miss is the way you shared it with me
What I miss is you
What I miss the most

(Dedicated to Cammy, my baby sister who may always live in happiness and always be healthy and so full of laughter)

The Inside

2010-05-01T11:37:00.000-07:00

You see me smiling, I'm happy.
You see me crying, I'm sad.
You see me screaming, I'm scared.
You see me wondering, I'm thinking.
You see me as a lot of things.
But does that mean you know me?

Alone

2010-05-01T11:33:00.000-07:00

I'm not what I look like on the outside.
Inside I am screaming for help.
Around me I can hear nothing, see nothing, and feel nothing.
All I hear is silence...
All I see is darkness...
All I feel is coldness...
I'm alone.
There could be a million people surrounding me but I am still alone.
I was born to be alone and unloved.
I guess that's just the way it is.

A Thousand Cups of Tears

2010-04-29T14:30:00.000-07:00

I acted like nothing happened,
But reality is that, it's killing me inside.
You think I don't care,
And you think that I'm heartless.
But in me, I'm breaking apart.
When it was time,
I turned around and took one last glance.
Then I never dared to look again.
I walked slowly away out the door.
As the wind blew,
Tears started to run down my cheeks,
My eyes were turning red,
And my heart was starting to crack.
I can't stop my tears,
As if someone has punched my nerves to make it impossible to stop crying.
I felt a sudden chill pass me,
And that day, that moment, I have cried a thousand cup of tears.

Stolen Heart

2010-04-20T18:33:00.000-07:00

I don't know how to start.
The thing is, I didn't know until now,
That you have stolen my heart.

I see your smile,
And I see your eyes.
This has made everything else worth while.

You treat me nice,
And so full of kindness,
When I'm with you, I am frozen like ice.

I have many questions in my mind,
That I really don't know the answers,
To which I am trying to find.

I am confused, yet happy.
To know the feeling of a heart being stolen.
And when I'm with you, I get a little chatty.

Now I know how it feels to have a heart stolen.
The feelings are quite great, yet sometimes frustrating.
I want to tell you so bad, that you are the one chosen.

I hope to be with you forever and always.
And we'll live happily ever after.
I know that when I'm with you, love will find its way.

No More

2010-01-19T20:59:00.000-08:00

I really like you, but when you told me that you only like me as a friend.
I had no special reaction.
I wasn't sad
I wasn't happy
I wasn't angry
I was neutral
I felt nothing. I didn't seem to care.
Is it that I don't have that feeling for you anymore?
Or is it that I'm worried about something even more important than this?
I kinda laughed when you said it.
Did I take it as a joke?
Or was I happy that you feel that way?
Maybe I reacted this way because I know you better than I used to.
And the real you isn't exactly what I dreamed of.
The thing is that I'm glad to know...
This uncomfortable feeling and the questions in my heart are finally over.
Am I over you?
I just know, that I don't care anymore.
You mean no more to me.

The Percent of Our Love

2010-01-11T18:07:00.000-08:00

I'm 100% sure that I love you.
I'm 100% sure that you are the one.
I'm 100% sure that we are meant to be.
I'm 100% sure that it's destiny, that you and I can meet.
I'm 100% sure that I'll do anything for you.
But I'm 0% sure if you feel the same way about me.
I'm 100% sure that my only wish is for you to give me 100% of your love to me.

Colors of Life

2009-12-28T21:26:00.000-08:00

Life is full of colors, colors we can see and colors we feel.
Red for the blood we bleed.
Brown for the ground we stand on.
Blue for the tears we cried.
Orange for the anger we show.
Black for the evil in us.
Green for the hope we have.
Grey for the stubbornness in us.
Purple for the beauty we show.
Yellow for the light we shine.
White for the conscience we have.
Pink for the love we feel.
All colors to express who we are.
All colors to express about life...

My Dream

2009-12-28T19:36:00.000-08:00

So this morning I had a dream, actually it was more like a nightmare. I heard a rumor that dreams comes from your subconscious mind. And this mind of mine, was giving me a message. The dream was weird because stuff just randomly jumps out. For example, like I was in a bakery then suddenly, the setting turned into my grandma's house. So I just made a few changes to make it make sense. Another weird thing about this dream is that there was an ending. Most dreams usually don't have endings, before it actually ended, you're awake. But one thing of this dream I'm not sure of was how it ended up being my dream. I was just dreaming of cats and dogs then suddenly, this dream jumped into my mind while I was sleeping. This dream was one of a kind and I'm sure I'll never forget it.

*****

I went to the bakery with my friends after school. We lined up to buy some Christmas sugar cookies. My friend Ashley grabbed a cup and filled it with soda, so I followed her. Then I accidentally dropped the cup and spilled the soda all over the floor. I was so embarrassed. The lady working at the counter gave me an ugly stare, so I didn't get another cup of soda and I didn't buy anything. Then I followed Ashley into a VIP room and sat with her and my other close friends, Anna, Tabitha, Wendy, and Annaira.

Then I saw them eating the cookies, it tempted me. So I went to the line again. But this time, they were out of the sugar cookies. It was about 4:30pm. They told me to go next door to another bakery. Then I said bye to my friends and went next door. It was dark and creepy there. I walked up to the old lady near the counter. I asked, "Excuse me? Do you sell any sugar cookies?" She nodded. "No problem. Here you go." She handed the cookies to me. "Thanks. How much?" I asked. "On the house." I didn't know what to say. "Um, thanks." "You're welcome sweetie. How about you keep me company?" I wasn't sure what to say but I don't even know her. "Um, I have to go home, my parents are waiting for me." I said. "Thanks again for the cookies." Then I walked out. I was kind of scared because the lady, she was old, fat, and no offense to her, ugly. Her face looked somewhat like a witch.

Then that night I went to my grandma's house. I have the keys to the house, since my mom was in France and my dad was busy for the night. I had to sleep over in my grandparents' house. Once I opened the door the house was dark. Then I turned the light switch on and I saw the old woman sitting there sobbing. I was so scared. I don't know her and I'm pretty sure my grandparents don't know her. "Um..." Then she looked up. Her red eyes stared right into mine then her face suddenly turned to evil. Then she took a vase and threw it on the floor. The vase hit the floor and shattered all over the place. I was so scared. "You!" She took a piece of glass from the floor and stabbed her stomach with it. I gasped. She laughed maniacally. Her stomach bled non-stop. She doesn't look hurt at all.

"Why did you do that?" "What do you mean? I didn't do anything." "Who are you?" "You should know who I am. I told you I would be back. I see your disappointed to see me." "I don't know who you are." I stood there shaking in fear. "Your father did this to me!" She pointed to her stabbed stomach. I was really sure she stabbed herself, but I'm not sure if she is talking about the wound or is she talking about her life being like her stomach, all destroyed or something like that.

I didn't dare say anything. "Call your father right now!" She commanded me. I just did what she said. A person like her can kill you without reason and won't be arrested because of her psychological problem. I tried again and again and I still can't reach my dad. "I can't reach him." I said in a low voice. "That is so like him! Trying to escape from his responsibilities!" That phrase was really familiar and it really reminded me of someone. Then she kept on yelling and screaming at my dad and her tone and the words she yells really sounds like someone I know.

After an hour of standing there hearing her complaints and screaming, the doorknob rattled. Then the door opened and it was my dad, grandpa, and grandma. Then the old lady grabbed a knife from the kitchen counter and pointed it at us and has gone crazy. My dad, grandpa, and I ran to the bedroom and I yelled to my grandma. "Granny! Come on!" Then she shook her head and just stood there watching the old lady.

Then while I was behind my dad and grandpa, I tried to close the door behind me, then the old lady threw the knife like a dart aiming at my head. I dodged but not completely, the knife cut my neck. Then I closed the door. The old lady kept hitting the door and I tried my best to keep it closed while my dad is calling the cops. My grandpa was just sitting on the bed panicking. Then somehow the old lady found a saw and sawed the door in half and then I saw her eye looking through the hole.

I bent down and grabbed the knife and stabbed her eye. But nothing happened. Then she sawed the bottom of the door and almost sawed my feet. I jumped. I saw my grandma standing there and I wondered if she was an accomplice. The cops arrived and arrested her, thank goodness! I prayed to God thank you for my life back.

But the question in my head was, "Who is that lady?"

*****

So after the dream, I woke myself up on purpose. I sat up on my bed shaking with fear. But she was arrested that was a good part. And like every day, I would tell my dad about my dream. So I explained to my dad about my dream as detailed as possible. I don't think he quite understood it completely but in the end, he did. He even find that the old lady sounds familiar, but he just couldn't seem to know who it was. He asked me if anything happened to me yesterday that caused me to have this dream because he said, my day affects my subconscious mind and what I dream about.

So I thought about what's abnormal about my day. I think and I think. Then suddenly I found out who the lady in my dream was. I remembered yesterday, my dad forwarded me the email my mom emailed him. The email was definitely berserk and crazy. And my mom was of course that type of woman. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom, but she just have this little problem like being a lunatic. I read the email, of course I was like whatever because it was nothing new to me. But I really don't know how it ended up in my subconscious mind.

So the mystery was solved, the old lady in my dream was my mother. But of course it looks nothing like my mom. My dad said that lady was probably who I used to replace the image of my mom because I can't imagine my mom trying to kill me and my dad. But I also dreamed of that because I remember my mom once saying that she'll kill me and my dad. My mom really loves my sister and my grandma, maybe that's why my sister never appeared in the dream and my grandma was safe. But for me, my dad, and grandpa, it was quite dangerous.

And I remember when I was like 8, my mom and my dad had a big fight, my mom grabbed a knife and chased my dad, and that ended in my dream. The old lady in my dream, the way she complained and the way she yelled about me and my dad sounded exactly like my mother. The thing is, my mom is pretty and beautiful and the lady in my dream is old and ugly. I guess if my mom's personality was like her look, she would look exactly like that old lady.

That old lady was a clone of my mom that my subconscious mind built. The personality, the things she does, everything. All the things that happened in my dream was what I experienced all my life, built together to become one nightmare.

Cold-Blooded (Sneak Peek) (Alternate Title: Reptilia)

2009-12-26T21:15:00.000-08:00

Exclusive Sneak Peek!!!

This is an exclusive sneak peek from my first book, Reptilia, hopefully will be published by next summer. I'm only up to Chapter 8 now but I really wish I can finish it. So now here's a little preview about who Reptilia really is.

*****

I was walking around Diamond Street, a little street in Chinatown. I was having a hunch that something unpleasant would happen soon. It was midnight and I was walking up and down the sidewalk waiting for trouble. It was a cold and windy evening. I was wearing a black hoody, matching to my black jeans and my leather boots. My long, black, silky hair was blown by the wind hitting against my perfect smooth skin. My green eyes were looking in the dark, trying to see if there was anything suspicious lurking by. I sighed with disappointment.

I waited and waited. Minutes and minutes passed. When I was about to give up and head back home, an alarm blared like someone just turned on the radio to maximum volume. The alarm was very loud and I could hear that it was coming from the west. I quickly ran and made it to the back of ‘Dijou’.

I was there in less than two seconds and I hear the alarm blaring loudly that made my ears feel like they were going to fall out any second. I saw six burglars. Either they had a smell of tobacco or that they stink and smell like they didn’t take a shower for over three months. They each had a shade of shaved beard. They look like those still living with their mother in the basement. Looks like those who could never grow up to find a job and feed the family. Which on this case, I doubt they have any. I quickly took out my scarf and tied it to my face to cover my mouth and nose so I won’t be recognized. I concentrated so I could camouflage with the colorful walls. I walked inside the store quietly. The six giant men were much too busy and the alarm was much too loud for them to hear me. One of the burglars took a mallet out of a duffle bag and smashed the alarm.

Then, I tried to make them scared. So I started by saying, “Hello boys, or should I say men” in a scary, seductive tone. “Who’s there?” one of the burglars yelled out. “You should know me from this,” I pulled out a piece of my green, shiny scale, and let it slowly drop to the floor. Then it quickly grew back. “Reveal yourself!” another burglar cried out. “You should know I am able to camouflage. Why should I reveal myself? Try to find me.” I slowly said out to the men. “Just like Marco Polo. Except you are it.” I went to one burglar’s ears and said “Marco” and appeared to another saying, “Polo.” I waited for a few more minutes and started getting impatient. “You know, this is getting too long, why don’t I shorten it?”

I made my body into full power and zoomed to every burglar and tied them up in a rope, so tight they can’t move. “My job here is done”. Then I heard the police cars’ siren heading this way, looks like I’ve got to go. In a minute I made it home. I remembered that I told my parents I was at a friend’s sleepover. Well, just say I got bored so I decided to leave. I rang the doorbell, but no one answered. So I rang it again, and I heard the twitching of the doorknob.

The door opened up and my mom was standing there. My mom yawned. She was in her pink silk pajamas, and when she saw me, she asked in a tired tone, “Kelli, what are you doing here? I thought you were staying over at a sleepover.” “Well mom,” I slowly started, “I had a bad time and I just wanna come home, sorry if I woke you”. “No, it’s fine sweetie, sorry you had a bad night. Do you need some company?” She said nicely in a sleepy voice. “No, I’m fine. I’ll go to my room and maybe watch a little TV.” I replied. “Ok, if you need anything, just tell me or help yourself.” She said while making another yawn. “If you’re hungry, we had some leftover dinner in the fridge or you could eat some instant noodles. It’s in the cupboard on the left.” I looked at the caring woman and said, “Yes, I know and thank you mom.” She nodded and walked back to her room. When she left the living room, I speeded into my room and slowly closed the door behind me. I opened the TV and the news was just on talking about my finished job at ‘Dijou’. I turned down the volume so I won’t wake anybody up.

I turned on my recording machine and pressed record. I started to record the news. Tonight, it was a newbie reporter at the scene of where the robbery took place. She has Hispanic colored skin and she was wearing a skirt with stockings, and a formal white blouse. It was freezing outside so she was wearing a vintage sweater with a flower on it. She was about my height and she was really pretty. She had big dark brown eyes. She started what she had to say.

“Good evening New York City. My name is Jacqueline Steve reporting on Channel Six News, the replacement of Anthony Wayne. I am here live on ‘Dijou’ of where a robbery took place. Tonight we have a big subject, Reptilia strikes again. No one really knew the real powers of this heroine. But to most, it has powers of a reptile. So we called her Reptilia. She started her job just last month and is already so well known. She’s the new Clark Kent but real this time, not just any make-believe Superman. But when she’s not Reptilia, she’s probably a normal girl living in one of these houses in this big city.” She looked at the scene.

Then she continued, “Reptilia is the name that the citizens of the United States gave her.” She paused. “So why don’t I talk about how she finished her job tonight? It was exactly 12:24am in the morning when the alarm of ‘Dijou’ sounded. Reptilia made her move a few seconds afterwards.” Then she walked to the shop and showed what happened. She picked up the green, shiny scale, and started talking again. “So how do we know this is Reptilia who did this, this is the proof.” She held up the scale.

“Tonight, six burglars the age between 35 and 50 robbed this place. They never knew they would be caught by Reptilia. They were all arrested and why couldn’t they escape, because they were tied up in a rope by this hero. Right now, I’ll ask a few people at the scene to see what they think of Reptilia.”

She walked over to a boy who was about 18 to 22 years old, wearing baggy pants and a very loose sweater, which made him look like one of those young guys in a gang. She asked, “Hello. Good evening and may I ask, what do you think of Reptilia?” He started looking up and answered, “Well, no one really saw her but I can picture she’s hot!” Jacqueline turned on a weird face. “And how would you know that?” “Look, I am an obsessed Reptilia fan, I know everything about her. I research about her. Due to my research, she has a perfect body shape, seductive voice, and she has powers!” I told myself, “Duh.” “Okay, anymore things you wanna add?” Jacqueline said in a weird voice. The guy shook his head, “That’s probably it.”

I laughed. Then she continued asking people around. She walked up to a police officer in his uniform, who was drinking coffee and biting a doughnut. He has a big belly, wearing a police officer uniform, looks like an average cop who doesn’t do anything but goes in a coffee shop and eat when he was supposed to patrol the streets. Jacqueline started, “Hi Officer Dalton. Good evening. How is the job so far?” He answered, “So far, so good, Jac. Even without Reptilia, we will still get it done.”

“Do you agree with what Reptilia is doing?” she asked. His face turned serious, “Absolutely not! What she’s doing is not helping us, but making it worst for us! I mean, who is paying for all these damages? If she wants to help, she should join the force, not hide and be a vigilante! She should know what’s to do, and what’s not to do! If she’s got nothing to hide, why doesn’t she reveal herself and be praised?” I guess he doesn’t know the superhero rule about not revealing ourselves, stupid cop! Then he took another bite of his doughnut.

Jacqueline replied by saying, “Thank you for telling the audience at home your views.” Yeah, thank you for making everyone hate me. If it weren’t for me, the cops wouldn’t be paid by their boss and the citizens! They won’t get these cases done anyway! Jacqueline continued, “Well, different views from different people, but audience at home, tell us what you think of Reptilia. Go to www.ChannelSixNews.com and leave a comment letting us know. This is Jacqueline Steve reporting Reptilia on Channel Six News, have a good night.” The image faded away. The news music played and it was commercial time.

I walked to the recorder and stopped recording. I shut the TV and the recorder off. I walked to the bathroom and took a shower. In less than two minutes, I walked out wearing my pink, rose nightgown. I like my life now, I’m popular but yet I’m still normal. It’s actually kind of fun.

I walked over to my bed. I closed the main lights, and I opened the lamp on the bedside table. I grabbed my Reptiles Truth book and I read a few pages. Then I yawned. I shut off the light and I went to sleep. I had a nice dream.

Who knew a girl like me, which was a dork at first, becomes an idol to millions today. And I just started in the beginning of the month. It is September now and I am starting school in three more days. And I changed a lot through this summer. Let’s hope no one notices. I never knew the real me before. It was all a shock when I knew I was different and had special gifts. It is still a secret and not everybody close to me knows. My parents don’t know, my siblings don’t know, my classmates don’t know and my relatives don’t know. But I would say it’s hard to keep a secret like this. One day it’ll be blown. Let’s just take it step by step.

(not the actual cover)

*****

Ok, so you have it. This is an excerpt from my debut book, Reptilia, which will soon be sold on lulu.com and amazon.com and hopefully some other sites or even bookstores. Please leave me a comment telling me what you think of this. =) Thanks and hope you enjoyed.

What Happened?

2009-12-26T21:00:00.000-08:00

We used to be best friends.
What happened?
We used to talk for hours, but now we don't talk at all.
You used to text me non-stop but now, when I text you, you would ignore me.
Did something happen that I don't know of?
Was it something I did?
Can you at least tell me what I did wrong?
We used to laugh, hang out, and talk about almost anything.
But now, all we do, is ignore and avoid.
I really want us to make up.
But every time I get close to you, you just seem to back away.
I would think about the past and hoping I can fix what happened between us.
I would listen to the songs we used to listen to.
I would do the things we used to do together.
I really miss you.
Every time we see each other, we just run away from each other.
Every time we bumped into each other, we'll just stare then walk away.
These awkward moments are killing me.
But weird thing is, you still haven't deleted me from your friends list.
Are you as confused as I am?
But one of us have to be the brave one.
Who will it be?
I'm a coward, I'm scared, but for our friendship, I will try.
So what is it that happened that made us ended up this way?
I'm sorry if I did something bad, but I know I deserve at least an answer.
Please tell me and I hope you'll forgive me for whatever I did.

One

2009-11-30T18:16:00.000-08:00

One is who loves me for who I am.
One is who understands me.
One is who doesn't judge a book by its cover.
One is who is loyal to me.
One is who is truthful and honest to me.
One is who makes me feel safe.
One is who makes me happy.
One is who makes me feel the luckiest.
One is who helps me through all the hard times.
One is who cheers me up when I'm sad.
One is who always knows how I feel.
One is who is good to me.
One is the one I'm looking for.

The Lie

2009-11-24T20:51:00.000-08:00

I ask you a question, you answered it.
I was happy with the answer.
I didn't know if it was the truth, but I didn't care.
As long as I'm satisfied with the answer, I don't want to know if its true or false.
I didn't want to face reality.
I don't want to wake up from this fantasy.
But it bugs me to know that you were lying to me.
The uncomfortable feeling in my heart.
I couldn't wait any longer but to ask you for the real truth.
You told me the truth this time.
My heart broke.
I should have just lived with your lie.
But why did I ask?
The truth is hard to accept.
I'd rather I'd never ask.

(The truth is harder to accept than a lie)

"I Love You"

2009-11-23T17:54:00.001-08:00

You said "I Love You"... and I couldn't believe it!
I try to remember it forever.
I think about it every second.
I write it down a million times.
All there is in my mind, the phrase, "I Love You"
My eyes are blind now... I can't see anything around me.
Why is this a big deal to me?
I look at you, you don't really mean it.
Because of this big distraction...
I may have earned your word...
But I have lost everything else.
Is it really worth it?
Is it worth losing everything to be with one who doesn't mean it when they say "I Love You"?

("I Love You" easily said, not easily shown)

Addicted

2009-11-16T15:51:00.001-08:00

Why are you like a drug?
Every time I see you, I just blank out.
You keep distracting me.
When you're next to me, I feel like I can't breathe.
You are all that is in my mind.
You are I think of and dream of.
Even when I move my lips, I'm talking about you.
People are finding me annoying.
But I can't help that you are my life now.
Without you I'll become ill.
Instead of making me better, I'm getting worse.
When I see you, it just hits me hard.
I can't seem to get rid of you.
You seem to be everywhere.
I don't know how long I can hold it in.
You make me dizzy and high.
You make me want you more.
I can't stop this feeling.
You're just like a drug, not one to heal me, but to make me worse.
The only way for a cure is that you say that you love me.
Or else it'll only get worst.
Why am I addicted to you?

Invisible

2009-11-09T16:09:00.000-08:00

You can see their face.
You can see their eyes.
You can see them right in front of you.
There's one thing you can't see.
One thing that only they can see.
It changes every time you're with them.
You can't see their feelings and they can't see yours.
Feelings...is invisible.

(They're sad inside, but happy outside, but you can't see it)

Everyone Have Two Hearts

2009-11-09T15:52:00.000-08:00

We are made with two arms.
We are made with two eyes.
We are made with two legs.
But why aren't we made with two hearts?
Its not because it isn't there.
It's just missing and its your job to find it.
No one knows where it is...
Only you do.

(Special thanks to a quote by anonymous)

Daydream

2009-10-29T16:59:00.000-07:00

Once I closed my eyes, you're the only one I see.
Once I sit down, my head blanks out.
You're the only thing on my mind.
I can't seem to think clearly.
I can't seem to breathe.
When I talk, the only thing coming out of my mouth is you.
You replaced my dreams with just you.
Staring into space, looking at the wall, I still see you.
Why are you always there?
It's like I can't get rid of you.
All the five senses I use, I just sense you.
I see you even when you're not there.
I hear you in my mind.
I feel you right next to me all the time.
But do feel the same for me?
Why are you all I think about?
You're my daydream.

(You daydream what is the most important in your heart at the moment)

Missing You

2009-10-20T14:35:00.000-07:00

Ever since you left me, you are all I ever think of.
Ever since you were gone, I feel an emptiness in my heart.
Everything I see, everything I do, it reminds me of you.
I can't seem to get this prick out of my heart.
You are all I think of, you are all I dream of.
When I open my eyes, you're the only one I see.
Every day, every hour, every minute, and every second.
Do you feel my pain?
All there is in my head is the times we had together.
All the things I could do now is whatever we used to do together.
I have a lot of things I want to say to you.
I have a lot of things I want to ask you.
But where are you?
I keep thinking if we're going to see again.
I keep thinking that this is it, forever.
I'm scared. I'm afraid. Will I ever see you again?
Why are you all I think of? Do you do the same for me, too?
I can't wait to see you again.
I don't know how much more longer I can survive this big emptiness in my life.
Without you, it's like my life lost it's soul to happiness.
The thing is, "I'm missing you."

(Without you, there's an emptiness in my life)

Afraid

2009-10-18T17:39:00.000-07:00

You like someone, and you think they like you, too. You caught them staring at you when they think you're not looking.
You hear them teasing you meaning they act like they don't like you, and you may tease back to lessen the evidence that you like him.
You feel that whatever you say, he listens to it well.
You feel that whatever you need help with, he'll try his best to help you.
When you're sad, he'll try his best to cheer you up.
He'll suddenly call your name just to wave hello to you.
Sometimes you'll act like you're annoyed with him, just because you like him. But you're scared that he hates you for that.
You may not be the prettiest. But he is friends with you for who you are.
You want to tell him how you feel, but you're afraid.
You're afraid of embarrassment and awkwardness.
You're afraid that once you tell him, he might laugh at your face and say "what?"
You're afraid that he might lie about how he feels because he thinks you're joking.
You're afraid that if you tell him, you're not going to be friends anymore.
But in your heart, you wish that once you tell him, he'll smile and grab hold of your hand and tell you that he feels the same way.
You'll walk down the hall showing off to your snobby friends who say that no one would ever love you. Your heart will soar and fly and you'll feel like the most happiest and luckiest girl in the world.
But all this is just fantasy.
You want to tell him how you feel, you want to read his mind to know if he thinks of you that way,
you want to transform into his best friend to ask him if he likes you.
You'll do anything to tell him that you love him, but you just won't tell him when he's there.
You keep dreaming about what it'll be like with him as your boyfriend.
But when you realizes, its all a dream, you don't know what to do.

(Being afraid is part of human nature)

It's Life

2009-10-18T17:38:00.001-07:00

Sometimes you feel like there's no one in this world that loves you.
Sometimes you may think that there's no more hope left in this world.
Sometimes when you say something, people will pretend your invisible.
Sometimes you'll talk to a person, and they hate you and you'll wonder what you said wrong.
Sometimes you want to be nice to a person but ended up making that person hate you.
Sometimes you feel like your the only one in this world.
Sometimes things happen making you want to leave this world.
Sometimes you feel people don't appreciate the things you do for them.
Sometimes you feel that the next word that comes out of your mouth may offend the one you love.
Sometimes when you're sad, it feels like there's no one to cheer you up.
Sometimes when you're sick, it feels like there's no one to make you feel better or to heal you.
Sometimes you feel pain, and you might ask God, "why?"
Sometimes you want to know why there is so much suffering in the world.
Sometimes things happen for a reason, and it just can't be prevented.
Sometimes you just want to walk away from all of this.
Sometimes it's life and you just got to live with it.

(Life is life and you just got to live with it)

Love Hurts

2009-10-18T17:33:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, when you really love someone, you're willing to sacrifice anything for them.
You know that one day, they'll leave you.
Even though you know that you're going to see them again soon, you're still sad.
Nobody knows what will happen tomorrow.
You're scared that something would happen to your love one, something bad.
You really don't want them to leave you but you have no choice.
You spend every last minute with them.
When they're not looking, you'll cry to yourself not wanting them to go.
You really love them and you hope for them not to be sad.
And when you watch them leave, all there is are tears in your eyes running down your cheeks.
Your heart is hurting looking at this painful scene.
You don't want to look anymore and all you do is cry.
You can't survive this pain anymore.
You don't want anyone to know your pain and to see you cry, but you can't control it.
When your loved ones leave you're going to be heartbroken.
You wish you could be by their side everyday no matter what the cost is.
You're scared that you'll never see them again.
You're scared that when you see them again, they'll forget the time you had together.
You don't know how to survive this big stake through your heart.
Everything that you do reminds you of them.
But one thing that will never happen, is that they love you and you love them.
And this is how I feel.

(Loving one person means remembering them for the rest of your life)

Real Pain

2009-10-18T17:30:00.001-07:00

The real pain is not when you're sick.
The real pain is not when you twisted your ankle.
The real pain is not when you broke your arm.
The real pain is colorless.
The real pain is something that you can't see.
The real pain comes from your heart.
The real pain is more than just sickness.
The real pain is the loss of someone close to you.
The real pain is the person not by your side.
The real pain is not being by your loved one.
And that breaks your heart causing you the biggest pain.
The real pain is emotion.

(The real pain is painful)

What Does Love Really Mean?

2009-10-18T17:21:00.000-07:00

Is love just a figurative language for when you like someone, but not really love them?
Is love just a word guys make up to charm their girlfriends?
Is love a myth or legend that people believe exists?
What does love really mean?
Is there really love in this world?
If there is love in this world, why are there divorce attorneys?
If there is love in this world, why are there adulterers and cheaters?
If there is love in this world, why is the percent of hate bigger?
Doesn't having love decrease the percent of hate?
What does love really mean?
Is there really love in your life?
What does it mean to love someone?
Does it mean that you really like them?
Does it mean you'll do anything for them?
Does it mean that you are willing to sacrifice for them?
What does love really mean?
"I love you", do they really mean it?
What is love?
Nobody knows the exact meaning of it.
So what does love really mean?

(Definition of Love: Depends on what you think)

Anger Expressed Into Tears

2009-09-27T14:43:00.000-07:00

One word
One teardrop
Starting
Going
Two teardrops
Burning
Heating
Stirring
Three teardrops
Anger is what I'm feeling
Sorrow is what I'm showing
Hatred is what I'm seeing
Four, five, six, seven!
Holding it
Controlling it
Pulling onto it
Eight teardrops
Explode?
Burst?
Break?
Nine teardrops
Waiting...
Waiting...
Waiting...
Impossible!
Inevitable!
No!
Ten teardrops
Eleven, twelve, thirteen!
It's over
Relief
Done
Anger expressed into tears

*****

Do you get it?

Books Are Nature

2009-07-19T21:55:00.000-07:00

This strange poem is for a contest on Figment. I am supposed to write a story or poem in less than 500 words inspired by this photo. So once I saw this photo, I thought that the meaning is that "books are nature and a key to life". So here it is. :)

Photo Credits to Bethan at Figment

Is nature the key to life?
Is knowledge the key to life?
If knowledge is part of humans, and humans are part of nature, isn't knowledge part of nature?
Do we need knowledge to live life?
Isn't water and food enough?
If knowledge leads to success, and success leads to life, doesn't knowledge lead to life?
Where do you find knowledge?
Education?
Where does education come from?
Books?
If books are education, and if education is knowledge, aren't books knowledge?
If books are knowledge, and if knowledge is nature, aren't books nature?
Nature covers a multitude, books are a part.
Books are education, education is knowledge, knowledge is nature, books are nature.
Are books the key to life?